I'll Take Door Number...

Choices...twists...turns...surprises--no matter how much I try to organize and plan for my life, there is still an incredibly huge element of surprise. There are days when I feel like it is a great mystery where I will be and how I will feel at the end of the day! It is like Dorothy and pals on the "Wizard of Oz"--what lies around that next bend? Who will I bump into on the other side of that tree?

Some days I am much more at peace with the inevitable secret that is being kept from me than I am on other days. Even though I have lived long enough to start to recognize themes and to feel my way when I know I am facing a familiar-feeling circumstance, I can still get crabby at the unpredictability of everything. "If only I knew the outcome" I tell myself, "then I would feel comfortable making this choice!"

Well, we do not know the outcome, nor do we necessarily know if we are making the "right" choice or not. We do not know who will be waiting for us when we walk through the door (if anyone) or if it will be lovely, stressful, exciting, rewarding, or horrifying. We just don't know. Instead we try to force things, shape them and ask ourselves "what if" until our throat is parched. The unanswerable question: "What if?"

If I get too wrapped up in worrying about what is on the other side of the gate or door, I can get immobilized and afraid to take the chance. Of course, I will never know what is on the other side of the door until I open up and take a peek...

Soul Mates, True Loves & Lasting Friends

Like most people, there have been so many people who have passed through, over and around my life. Some, whom I was instantly enamored of, slipped away without a second glance while there have been other companions and relationships that seasoned and weathered over time--surprising me by how unconditional and lasting they have been. Still, I continue to plod along and struggle a bit--working to appreciate the friends and love I have, letting go of those who are not necessarily meant to continue, and choosing new friends and companions with care and chemistry.

I am not always the most likable person, nor am I always terribly lovable. At this age, I find that I have more compassion for other people overall, and more for myself as well. Those truly good, amazing, unconditional soul mates are few and far between. We accept each other's fallacies, have weathered disappointments, bumbles, and manage to recognize each other regardless of how many years have passed. I never know when I start getting to know someone knew whether they will ripen into one of these rare people or whether I will be that sort for them--it is a mystery, which is what makes these genuine connections so rare indeed.

In May, my amazing Midwestern soul mate Wendy and I got these matching tattoos. We each put them on different places on our body but we chose and created the design together with some help from the tattooist and now she is with me in body and spirit as one of those great mysterious undefinable gifts.

I could list my true and genuine loves on both hands and feel absolutely blessed to have such abundance in this area of my life. I have been lucky. I have struggled and had my heart broken a time or two, but overall, the roses keep blooming.

Taking Myself Less Seriously...

Getting older offers so many lessons--what a surprise it was to me to realize in my early twenties that "growing up" was really a process not a place or a culmination I would ever reach. Now, in my forties, after so many lessons--some easy, some painful, some just intense--I find that I am called to a major task: Learning to take myself and life much less seriously!

Striving for order, perfection, and to just get a handle on the constant chaos of life has been a pretty futile task. People do what they do, things happen, I get tired or say the wrong thing or change my mind. While I still strive to keep marginal control over the things in my world that I can control, I am gradually learning to embrace my imperfections in all their quirky reality.

Being honest matters to me, as does fulfilling my commitments and responsibilities--but I am finally learning that I don't have to take on more than I want to and I do not have to be absolutely flawless and perfect at the things I do attempt. I make mistakes--big ones! I bumble and stumble and am learning that some of it can be pretty darn funny (and fun)--so, I'm learning to lighten up and as I accept that other people are delightfully human, I'm allowing myself to be human too.

(Thanks to Meli Ewing who took this photo at Lucy's and Lilly's graduation party; I have no idea how or when she got it, but I figure she captured a very accurate and current "snapshot.")

SUMMER!

My favorite season has settled in for the long-haul--summer. It already seems over-stuffed and full of all sorts of summery activities: baseball games, picnics, swims, festivals, visits, dinners al fresco, etc. I LOVE IT and try not to think about the fact that it is short-lived. Of course there are daily details to tend to and all three of my kids are taking classes this summer, but it still definitely feels like summer.

This summer I just cannot help but count all the blessings--three amazing, healthy kids, the fact that we are weathering all the changes and growing up challenges, my jobs, business and work, fantastic friends and loving family; not to mention all of the comfort and abundance that surrounds me. Whether it is sipping sparkling wine with a friend, or eating mammoth amounts of Mexican food with Lucy and Meli or making Lilly yet another of her current favorite grilled cheese sandwiches, I look around at all the flowers, cushions, food and people and feel like the most fortunate woman in the world.

Life can be so bumpy that I think it is grand to truly slow down and appreciate the glorious abundance and playfulness of summer...

(Thanks to Meli Ewing for the photo!)

Finding Time to Hang with Stuart

Last night, Stuart and I watched "Citizen Kane" together. We have been trying to carve out mutual time to watch this film for weeks! It sounds horrible, but it gets harder to get together on such things the older they get--first, we put the movie on hold at the library and it came in when I was in Indianapolis/Ann Arbor. We had to re-reserve it and with all of the graduation and end-of-school-year chaos, it has taken us another two weeks to have a quiet night, just the two of us, to eat ice cream and Cheeze-its and watch the old classic. While all three of my kids are incredibly different from me, we all manage to have a few things in common. Stuart and I have a passion for movies and an interest in debating politics and social policy. He too likes to look at things from every possible angle and look for connections, humor and trends. Stu and I do NOT always agree which is part of the fun. He will gladly debate with me the qualities of contemporary films like "Superbad" and thinks "Grease" is the worst movie ever made--but we also find ourselves on the same page when it comes to our mutual dislike of a movie like "No Country for Old Men." When we compare our "top 100" lists, we have several picks in common...

It is not so much about agreeing, however, but it is really about having a way to connect. Stu and I can always get a conversation going by asking if either one has seen any movies lately AND if we touch on the political or social policy headlines of the day, we could be chatting for hours. That is a mighty good thing to have with a sixteen year-old!

Stuart was an incessantly inquisitive little boy--always wanting to dig in to the "why" of everything, then he went through a very opinionated black-and-white thinking stage in his early teens. Now, while he seldom shies away from offering opinions when pressed, he also genuinely mulls over other people's comments and opinions and is fun to discuss and debate with. Additionally, with his passion for history and his growing interest in literature--he KNOWS things and that makes it incredibly interesting too! BUT, he is developing into a really fantastic listener too which is the hallmark of a good communicator. It is somewhat surprising as a parent when you start to realize that your kids have surpassed you in terms of their knowledge, interests, talents and skills. I find it incredibly delightful.

So, back to "Citizen Kane"--Stuart did NOT think it deserves the honor of the greatest movie ever made (I think that he suggested "Pulp Fiction" should be in the top five), but it stood the test of time in that he "got" it and could take it seriously. We had a rousing discussion afterward about what we thought it DID have and what did and did not work for us. Eventually though, the old woman (meaning me) got tired and by 11:30, I'd had all the deep debate and discussion I could manage.

Milestones, Accomplishments and Anxiety...

I just cannot say enough about the past couple months of change, anxiety and excitement. I have focused so much on what the girls have been going through as I report on our transitions but I realize when I look at pictures like this one that I am changing and transitioning too. I have noticed the past few weeks that things are evolving and shifting on so many levels that when I look at photos of myself, I realize that just as the girls are not the same little girls who used to help me in the vegetable garden, I am not the same person I was ten or twenty years ago either. We have influenced and changed each other.

Sure, there are the wrinkles and the grey hairs and the inevitable effects of gravity--but there are all the unseen results of motherhood to celebrate too. I would NOT be the person I am now if it wasn't for the journey I have had with all three of my kids. I can thank THEM for the never-ending challenges, rewards, and lessons. What a wonderful gift to celebrate!

A June Like No Other...

It has been almost indescribable--the excitement, stress, tears, tantrums, laughter, reminiscing--with two daughters graduating it has made this June intense and overwhelming. Just when I was getting used to the idea that my kids need me less and less, I was suddenly jolted back into nonstop parenting, support, and triage. Not to mention I seem to not be able to keep the checkbook closed for long these days either.

I have no doubt in my mind, however, that we are all absolutely ready for the challenges of the transition. Unlike some who think that since it is crazy and disorienting, it must mean that no one is ready, I believe that it is SUPPOSED to be crazy and disorienting. That is how major life changes and developmental leaps are meant to be. We lose our footing, fall apart, and are forced to let go of our old way of being in order to make room for the new. We stumble and get scared and curl up into a ball and wonder why on earth we ever thought we could handle it--and then, we gradually move forward. We do what we have to do, what we are compelled to do, even though we are scared and pretty soon we are inhabiting our new life.

Lucy and Lilly can definitely use the prayers and well-wishes, but they are amazingly strong, creative, and unique individuals. Wherever they go and however long it takes them to get there (personally, I hope they take the long route and enjoy all the chaos and surprises along the way), I feel incredibly proud and confident that they have what it takes. They are so brave and courageous and both always willing to go to the emotional and genuine places. There is absolutely no way they can be anything BUT amazing!