Where are We Now?

While so much seems to be happening all the time, it seems like there are definitely "themes" and cycles that don't seem to change much at all. I am still adjusting to having older kids--trying to figure out when to let go, when to step in, and what to do with myself now that things are changing. My kids are still my kids--of course--but they are also other things to other people--friends, lovers, students, grandchildren, workers, volunteers, exes--all of these very "non-child-like" pieces of identity. When I hear they are having a hard time, whether through choices of their own or not--I want to rush in, rescue them and save the day. I don't want them to be uncomfortable, hungry, hurt, lonely, scared or any of those ordinary life realities we all have to learn to cope with. I don't want to cripple them with overbearing parenting, but I ache when they ache too. I am STILL negotiating around that.

Meanwhile, it is definitely spring--Easter is around the corner and while it is normally my favorite holiday, I am not at all sure what I want to do with it this year. Lucy will be busy with her boyfriend's world, Lilly is in San Diego and it will just be Stuart and I. I suppose we get to decide what we want to do and make it up as we go along just as we always have. I suppose I will be "sending" Easter baskets to at least two of my kids instead of hiding them around the house. It is "play it by ear"--Lucy and I made cookies last week and had an easy, playful time, but that is so far the only Easter-like activity I have done.

As my kids' worlds get bigger, my world gets bigger too. My role as a mom is expanding in some ways while in other ways it is shrinking away. While it is probably quite boring to hear me talk about transitions--I definitely feel like I am still in the midst of it. Not just in my role as a parent, but in other areas of my life where things are blooming, expanding and changing as well. Like many people, I would love to have a crystal ball and be able to look ahead one year or three or five and know that everything is going to turn out lovely; everything is going to be just fine--then I could relax a bit and trust that I am on the right path (as well as those loved ones around me.) I wouldn't be so worried about slipping up, making mistakes and taking the wrong turns in the path. Unfortunately, it all comes down to staying in the game and taking these constant leaps of faith. When in doubt, I allow myself to feel the attachment, the love, the vulnerability that comes from moving through this world with people I care about and then I just have to trust that will be enough to guide me.

So, where are we now? I'm not exactly sure...