It's Not About the "Do" but the "Who"

My kids are all three in a place where they are trying to move out into the world and figure out "what comes next." Despite the lapsed memories of many adults, this is not an easy place to be! Especially in a world that seems precarious, unpredictable and confusing. They are tough kids with lots of daily living skills--I trust them all and know that if I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow, they would be just fine. My confidence in them has nothing to do with what they "do" but it has everything to do with "who" they actually are.

The path they take in terms of school, jobs, and external "stuff" is far less important to me than who they actually are. And, who they are is amazing, emotional, loving, considerate, compassionate, thoughtful and involved. They all have the ability to look beyond the surface of things and tolerate a great deal of complication, ambiguity and confusion and that just dazzles me! They are all committed to trying to be good people and wanting to be engaged with others--all the while facing those uncomfortable realities that come from being human and I think that is so reassuring.

I wish I could protect them from the icky judgment and superficial expectations--especially that heart-breaking lack of acceptance and unconditional love that can come from those who have been closest to them. It sucks. I know it sucks because I have been there myself. It is hard trying to cling to a sense of self and purpose when there are those who try to tell you what you "should" be doing and how conventional you "ought" to be living your life. My kids have never disappointed me and I can see how heartbreaking it is for them when they are told by others that they are disappointments--as if they are obligated to live their lives marching to the drum and expectations of someone else.

We are close, the four of us, and I am most proud of that. I am reassured that they support each other, talk to each other and stand up for each other; I find some comfort in the fact that when one of them is aching, attacked or upset, the other two are there for him or her. This is not to say that they don't fight amongst themselves, but the bond is true and strong when the chips are down. I think they know that it doesn't matter to me what they "do"--my love, acceptance, support and joy in having them in my lives is unconditional. I have confidence that this is a way of living and loving that they will carry with them into adulthood as well. I only wish that the rest of the world could be the same way!