What a Start to the Summer!

It dawned on me today that this is the last day of June. The weather is nice and toasty, the sun is out and I have already logged in several hours by the pool, at the farmer's market and in the bleachers at the baseball game. This past weekend found me comfortably busy doing fun activities and I can honestly say that I cannot remember a more saucy jump-start to a summer. Who would have thought I would find myself in such a delightful place at this age? And who would have thought the universe would continue to send me such amazing friends and playmates?

I have surely shared by now that Summer is my favorite season--everything about the summer months suits me just fine and even though I am older and cannot while away the weeks playing softball and camping out, I still extract as much "life" out of the sunny season as I can.

To be honest, however, Summer is not without its heavy side. I have found myself feeling nostalgic and revisiting some of the grief and loss recently. We are almost upon the one-year anniversary of my Grandpa Tuff's death and it still seems unreal that both of my beloved grandfathers died in the past year. My childhood summer memories are inexplicably linked to my grandparents as I probably spent as many hours at their homes as I did at my own. There are definitely pleasures and preferences that I absorbed from them that I carry into my own fifth decade of summers.

The Fourth of July is only a couple days away; I plan to spend it with friends under a warm, summer sky. As I look over this past month of June I am dazzled at all that has gone down--activities, family adventures, a new job offer, love and a whole lot of laughter. How could I not be feeling some anticipating at the dawning of July?!

On Being Me...

I suppose some threshold has been crossed--in the past couple weeks I have had a few conversations with friends that oddly enough came down to one core truth--the inevitable urging we feel to simply be more authentically ourselves. It is a tough one that obviously takes a lifetime to sort out, but I am delighting in realizing that I don't have to listen to all those voices, judgments, opinions, etc. and I don't have to respond to other people's projections of who they wish or want me to be either. All I have to do is just work on peeling away all that crap and letting myself just exist as I am...

Perfect.

I have been accused of being all sorts of things and I haven't the slightest interest in repeating most of them--whether one would think they were "good" or "bad." It doesn't really matter as I'm probably all of those characteristics and accusations and none of them. I have been accused of being "mysterious," "confusing" and an "open book"--none of these descriptions is necessarily true as far as I'm concerned but I don't really have to explain myself to anyone. What I do feel compelled to do is to be loving and vulnerable. By focusing on those two things, I think the rest will likely take care of itself.

Not everyone will "get me" and that's fine; it doesn't really matter. It is always somewhat shocking for me to hear that other people have been talking about me. Why on earth, I wonder, would they have any interest at all in trying to figure me out? After all, they could just ask! But, I get that isn't the way things necessarily work (and who is to say that I would tell them what they actually want to hear?)Mostly, I just assume that I am "out of sight, out of mind" for folks--how surprising to be reminded otherwise.

So, I don't know how to explain it--all I know is that I'm not trying to change or evolve, just "un-do" all the layers that get in the way of my being authentic. I suspect that I am in grand company with all the others who are trying to do the same thing...

Organization Squared

I am finally determined to get organized--down to the bones! Today Meli has helped create a master Google calendar where I can enter all my info and have access from any where. It will send me e-mail alerts and I can share it with other folks too. I'm just getting started and there is a bit of inputting to be done--but that is part of getting organized!

Last night, I felt inspired to sort through my cupboards and pull out dishes, cups, glassware, etc. that I no longer need. This weekend, I plan to do more of that purging and sorting to try to create even more basic organizational structure. I have let things slide--probably since the very exhausting and emotional year a couple years ago (2007 was a rugged year for me) and I finally realized that the lack of organization was wearing me down!

Hiring Meli to help has been very inspiring. While in my fantasy, I think I wanted her to do it all for me--in reality, there is plenty that I need to do too. Having her on board to "talk organization and efficiency" with is forcing me to clean up my act all around. I'm excited, a little nervous, completely overwhelmed--but determined that this time the organizational structures and systems will be workable and adequate to fit my world!

Taking Things to a New Level

I do not claim to understand all the minute workings of my personal mythology--even after 42 years, I still get caught off guard by the ebbings and flowings of elusive things like creativity, motivation, energy, focus, etc. I don't always know if I am taking calculated risks or foolish ones and I certainly don't understand how I can endure and tolerate certain things for weeks, months or years and then wake up suddenly one day ready for a change!

A couple months ago, I started toying with the idea of how to expand and organize my life. I felt as though I had pretty much maxed out all I was capable of with the resources I have. I work as much as I can, try to maintain a cozy and welcoming household for my kids and the fair amount of entertaining I do, volunteer and chair/coordinate activities for the good of the order, and try hard to stay afloat as a soloist in every aspect of my life. A gal gets a little tired I tell you. I couldn't figure out what to do: move, get another job (I already have two and yes, I am looking for more work), give up on the idea of making my writing my only support, buy a new car--what?! I kept trying to figure out what I needed to start to create more peace and less stress.

A friend commented that what I needed was a spouse or partner and this is what got me thinking in a new direction. I don't really see that happening any time soon--and all the reasons have been well-documented. I decided what I really needed was a personal assistant. Someone who could help get me organized and provide a little support and coordination for a few hours a week. While I have a very active social life and plenty of activities and responsibilities, I don't really have a support system.

So, today I am finally embarking on a new experimental adventure--enter the *new* personal assistant! Actually, it is going to be Meli--a long-time friend of my oldest daughter Lucy. When I put out the call for interested applicants, I did get a few responders but Meli was the most persistently direct and clear in her organizational capabilities. She may go running and screaming into the woods but we're going to give this thing a try. She seems to think she can bring order into my world and hopefully create some space for me to be more productive (I harbor hope that with a little help and support I can actually make more money and have more fun--not to mention do less "hack" writing work and more of what truly feeds my soul.) I know I'm probably asking a great deal from a couple hours a week, but let's just see if it doesn't help me take my life to a whole new level--there is a lot of work out there for me to do!

Finding Purpose and Making Meaning...

Here I am half-way through the year of the Triple A's--Activism, Activity and Appreciation and I thought it might be useful to take stock. It's been a little up and down in terms of my ability to handle my chosen challenges (and those I didn't exactly choose.) I've had an easier time with Activity and more of a struggle with the Activism and the Appreciation part, as you may have guessed.

It is really tough to stay grateful and appreciative when life and times can be so rugged. There has never been a time when more of my friends were out of work, laid off, had their hours cut or were on the verge of job insecurity. It is becoming common place and I've just let go of any sort of fear or worry about it. I could just as easily have no job tomorrow and I feel totally compelled to share whatever I can with those people around me. Meanwhile, my kids have been out there pounding the pavement and looking for work and I, too, have been trying to keep my resume in circulation. It is almost surreal in how much "lack" there is swirling all around. I continue to try to cut back on debt and expenses and wonder how I could possibly get any leaner and yet I do. No car, no cable television, no home Internet service, streamlining the phone service, etc. I definitely work harder than ever and have less daily amenities than I have my entire adult life.

Meanwhile, a girl just gets moody and tired. As much as I really am grateful for good health and all the amazing adventures and opportunities going down in my world, I often wonder what the meaning and purpose of it all is? What should I really be doing and it I figured it out, would life be humming along a little more smoothly? Is there a way to make more money? To be able to afford some of those simple things that I have gotten so used to living without? Can I do that and still be available for my kids and friends and causes that mean so much to me? While I feel in good company with some amazing people who work incredibly hard and are also not exactly getting ahead--it is hard to live in this society and NOT feel as though we are somehow doing something wrong.

My activity calendar is quite full--sometimes it gets so crowded that I just have to let things slide. I cannot possibly attend every event, activity, party and respond to every invite so I am learning to choose. Of course, this is a wonderful challenge to have and it means that I have definitely fulfilled my promise to get things moving. I continue to stay physically active and find that I am doing more "play" than "workout"--playing kickball with friends, going for long chatty walks and dancing for hours instead of marching away on the treadmill. I love both kinds of activity, however, and am happy to have so much of it in my life.

So, I can report that what has come out of the first half of the year is a sense of community and connection--I still have not figured out my purpose in life and I don't know if I really can make sense of so much struggle, work, lack and stress but I do feel as though there are comrades and buddies with whom to experience and share the struggle. There have also been a great many conversations, laughter, and work sessions where we have all been shoulder to shoulder trying to fight the good fight for survival and progress...

Coping with an Empty Tank

For whatever reason, my life and world tends to ask a lot out of me. I am historically the one nurturing, organizing, listening, supporting and holding things together. I work two jobs and have been sole support for my little household for years but that isn't all of it. I genuinely try to be available and give, volunteer and share as much as I possibly can-whether it is time, energy, resources, money or whatever. A big part of my motivation is because I genuinely do believe that is what life is all about but there is another egotistical part that hopes if I give, volunteer and share enough, there will eventually be some that comes back in my direction. I know better and, of course, find myself feeling very depleted and trying to cope with a perpetually empty tank.

I am not so great with the self-care--not necessarily because I don't want to or because I think I don't deserve it (I definitely deserve it) but I just run out of time, resources and energy. I do not have any problem asking for help or reaching out--but those requests more often than not do not get responded to. So, I buck up and go on trying to do what I can to give back. For some time now, I have been feeling really drained--work has been lacking in fulfilment or even positive recognition or appreciation (not to mention the stress of constantly straining and stretching to make ends meet) and other areas of my life have asked a great deal out of me as well. Meanwhile, nothing is really going back INTO the tank. There are so many people, causes, projects and such lining up to make a withdrawal, but I can't remember the last time anyone made a deposit!

So, I am trying to find a way to pull back, regroup and feed myself in some little ways. I am not doing such a great job of it, but I have at least been able to acknowledge what is going on. I really do have a great capacity for love and compassion as I wrote about last time, but my resources are getting a little strained. Like any exhausted person, I get sad and weepy and then shake myself and force myself to respond to that phone call or e-mail, clean the house yet again for the next wave of visitors, hand over money to causes or kids, listen, give, apologize or whatever. Of course, I am definitely not meeting everyone's needs and I feel badly about some of that and then I realize that there really isn't anyone marching in to attempt to meet any of my needs (ahah, my job too of course and I totally get that) and I promise myself I will try to sort that out "some day."

I have a lot of wonderful friends and I have amazing kids; I feel blessed to live in a wonderful little city and have a reasonably comfortable existence but I don't really have a "support system." If I was to fall down the stairs, there really isn't a pack of family or folks who would rally around to help hold up my world. I'd still have to find a way to work, clean the house, take care of obligations, etc. I completely accept that things are the way they are and that we all get different lives to live--based partially on our own manifestations and partly on luck. I just haven't learned yet how to keep my tank full so that I can hold up my little corner of the world as expected without getting drained, exhausted and a little weepy! The only thing I really know how to do is to just keep going...

We're All in This Together...

Connection, love, and compassion seem to be my current mantra words--I cannot help but think that reminding myself that we really are all in this wild ride called life together is a key to some sort of constant compassion. It definitely reminds me that we are all connected and even when I'm feeling moody, crabby or isolated--just bringing it back to the simple fact that I am not alone...AT ALL...seems to make a huge difference.

While I think that independence is a wonderful thing and it is important for a person to get comfortable enough in her own skin as to be able to move around in the world solo, I also think that we are social creatures--we need each other. It doesn't really help us to get all sequestered and isolated and to spend too much time alone with our own thoughts and theories. That is when that icky ego voice takes over and before long, it has us believing all sorts of things about ourselves that just are not true.

I really don't think there is anything wrong with a little social distraction--having other people around who are talking to us, asking our opinion, or just creating a diversion can, in fact, be just what we need. Sure, there are those people who just can't be alone with themselves but most of the people I know and love have just the opposite problem--we forget that we really don't HAVE to do everything on our own and that it might not be the best thing for us that we do!

I think we have been fed a load of crap about the importance of handling everything all by ourselves--I think we need each other; we need family and friends and people to do things with. Flying solo can be great and can help us to discover untapped resources and talents within ourselves but I don't think that we need to face life entirely on our own. We're just not created to be that way--even the most introverted and least social among us.

Deep and meaningful is nice; independent study and quest is nice too--but sometimes what we really need is a clan--some people to share a meal with, go for a walk or shop with. It is important to have plenty of people who will notice what we're up to and just sit and have the chat. I really do think that small talk and comfortable conversation is under-rated! So, I suggest we let go of that invented expectation to fly completely solo in this world--let people in, let things be imperfect and messy and friendly; remind ourselves how to be neighborly and how to socialize in a caring and stress-free way. Yes, this means opening up, taking risks and giving things a try even if they are not optimal. It takes effort to build families and clans and communities but it is SO worth it...

Balance Anyone?

Ah, I seem to be always attempting to balance things out--either I am overwhelmingly social and I need a little down time--or I have sequestered myself from the outside world and I could really use a good chat. Of course, this roller-coaster does not really play itself out on a daily basis, it is more that my life moves in cycles and every so often I get to experience what feels temporarily like balance.

I am currently feeling good about the ratios in my world--just enough work, family, group activities, and one-on-one's. What I am trying to work on a little more is my down time just for myself. I am such a classical "Type B" personality that if I don't have a little down time, slow town or time to myself every day, I get pretty darn stressed. Even if it just hanging out with a book for an hour before bed or playing with my Tarot cards--I need to be away from voices, phones and hustle-bustle for a little bit to keep my sanity and ability to function. This does not mean that life is a breeze (quite the contrary since I am looking for work and there are a ton of fabulous activities to choose from) but it does mean that I don't feel like I am putting all my eggs in one basket.

So, whether it is a grand group of gals chatting over coffee, a fun visit with a good friend, and afternoon spent working on writing, or even an hour with a fun book by the pool--it is all about trying to maintain some semblance of balance right now...

Figuring Out Family...

"Family" does not really mean the same thing to me as it used to. My kids are moving out into the world and I don't really have the money to pay for expensive family vacations and sequestered "bonding experiences." I pretty much still get the every day duty. Additionally, as many other queer people know, there is not always the benefit of on-going extended family closeness and relations that many hetero people experience. While I set out over two decades ago to have a big and bustling family, I really have something a little different...

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being the every day parent and I always have. I feel fortunate to be helping with financial aid forms and job applications and daily conversations about daily activities and things. I make a genuine and constant effort to stay connected to my kids in a new way. I so get that it is their job to disconnect and move out into the world and it is my job to not only let them go with encouragement, but to also regroup and create a world for my own self. The reality is, however, that it means expanding my experience of family.

I don't live in the same town as my folks and my brother and sister and I all live in different states. We don't have an every-day sort of connection. I haven't really gotten to be a hands-on aunt and as a single person, I don't have any extended family in the partnering department. So, while I had intended to build family upon family all those years ago--what my world is starting to look like is something more creative.

What I do have is some of the most amazing long-term friends in the world--so emotionally close and weathered over years of changes and intensity as to be very much family. I also have some great newer friends and playmates--people to have coffee with, take in a movie, or who will come over for dinner, a swim or a walk on a moment's notice. I know that if I had to move or was challenged with an illness or injury--the people who would rally around would most-likely be a combination of my kids and their friends, and my own inner and outer circle of amazing people--what I am coming to think of as my family.

There is definitely something that gets lost in our society for many queer people--many of us experience a separation or distancing from family of origin that can be painful and inevitable. We just don't move in the same worlds and even though we may all try very hard (or even a little bit)--it is hard to reconcile all the pieces of our lives into one cohesive whole. I can honestly say that in all the dozens and dozens of conversations that I have had with dozens and dozens of gay people--we have all woven a challenging reorganization of what "family" means into our coming out and evolution process. Our relations with our kids, parents, siblings, etc. become something we not only don't take for granted, but these relations also become a fertile ground for some really tumultuous stuff.

My kids too, like most kids of queer parents, have had their lives influenced and expanded in creative ways. They have learned to make room for my friends and "causes" and I think that there are some really great things that have come from watching and sharing as I have built my own support circle. I see that some of those skills have rubbed off on them as they bring close friends and new acquaintances into activities, gatherings and holidays and I notice they have less rigid ideas of what family can mean.

The surprising thing I have learned is that family is evolutionary and revolutionary--for me it is ever evolving and changing. I make room, my kids make room, things shift and change and some of the strongest connections still surprise and amaze me. I work on being open and nonjudgmental and accepting those individuals my kids choose to bring into our version of family and appreciate the ways that they do the same for me. This isn't the family that I expected to have but I am incredibly grateful that it is the family I DO have...

June Restlessness...

I realized the other day that I am a little bored with my own themes and issues! How's that for a strange bump on the road to personal enlightenment? We all have our themes--those things that we just seem to keep facing down and working on. It took me a few decades before I was even aware of what my themes and issues were. Now that I know them, I still can't seem to quite work my way out and around them!

I told a couple friends that I sometimes feel like I am perpetually trapped in 1986--same sorts of people doing the same sorts of things; I'm playing the same roles over and over again with the same "types" of people and the same types of situations. I get bored with my own self! I've been looking around my world--which is a fine little world really--and wondering if there isn't something more out there somewhere? I'm itching for a move, a new scene, a different voice on the end of the phone, a different pleasant twist--I think I'm ready for some new themes and issues!

I suppose the obvious answer to the restlessness is that I still haven't learned my lessons. If I had--if I had figured out how to be a different sort of person attracting different sorts of people and activities into my life I would be in a different place. As simple as that sounds, it seems to be trickier than that. Instead, I am choosing to chalk it up to June restlessness--here we are in the sweet morning of summer and I know that I have three lovely months to enjoy the season. Will I make the most of it or get bogged down in work and challenges? Who will I know and what will I be doing when September rolls around? Who knows? Maybe I will end up having moved or changed in some major way? Of course, the thing about restlessness is that it is just too early to tell...