For whatever reason, my life and world tends to ask a lot out of me. I am historically the one nurturing, organizing, listening, supporting and holding things together. I work two jobs and have been sole support for my little household for years but that isn't all of it. I genuinely try to be available and give, volunteer and share as much as I possibly can-whether it is time, energy, resources, money or whatever. A big part of my motivation is because I genuinely do believe that is what life is all about but there is another egotistical part that hopes if I give, volunteer and share enough, there will eventually be some that comes back in my direction. I know better and, of course, find myself feeling very depleted and trying to cope with a perpetually empty tank.
I am not so great with the self-care--not necessarily because I don't want to or because I think I don't deserve it (I definitely deserve it) but I just run out of time, resources and energy. I do not have any problem asking for help or reaching out--but those requests more often than not do not get responded to. So, I buck up and go on trying to do what I can to give back. For some time now, I have been feeling really drained--work has been lacking in fulfilment or even positive recognition or appreciation (not to mention the stress of constantly straining and stretching to make ends meet) and other areas of my life have asked a great deal out of me as well. Meanwhile, nothing is really going back INTO the tank. There are so many people, causes, projects and such lining up to make a withdrawal, but I can't remember the last time anyone made a deposit!
So, I am trying to find a way to pull back, regroup and feed myself in some little ways. I am not doing such a great job of it, but I have at least been able to acknowledge what is going on. I really do have a great capacity for love and compassion as I wrote about last time, but my resources are getting a little strained. Like any exhausted person, I get sad and weepy and then shake myself and force myself to respond to that phone call or e-mail, clean the house yet again for the next wave of visitors, hand over money to causes or kids, listen, give, apologize or whatever. Of course, I am definitely not meeting everyone's needs and I feel badly about some of that and then I realize that there really isn't anyone marching in to attempt to meet any of my needs (ahah, my job too of course and I totally get that) and I promise myself I will try to sort that out "some day."
I have a lot of wonderful friends and I have amazing kids; I feel blessed to live in a wonderful little city and have a reasonably comfortable existence but I don't really have a "support system." If I was to fall down the stairs, there really isn't a pack of family or folks who would rally around to help hold up my world. I'd still have to find a way to work, clean the house, take care of obligations, etc. I completely accept that things are the way they are and that we all get different lives to live--based partially on our own manifestations and partly on luck. I just haven't learned yet how to keep my tank full so that I can hold up my little corner of the world as expected without getting drained, exhausted and a little weepy! The only thing I really know how to do is to just keep going...
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