Okay, my weekend wasn't as dramatic as the picture promises but there were some fireworks on the 4th. Instead, it was much more of a "working weekend" than I would have liked and I don't mean work for pay either.
Instead, life asked me to make some tough choices, to get in touch with myself, my needs, my desires and my challenges. If it sounds very "me" focused, I guess it was and I'm just not comfortable spending much time in that space!
I had my Tarot cards read on Friday morning and I thought it was just going to be a little entertaining blip to kick off a long holiday weekend. Instead, it seemed to be the gateway to an expanding, sometimes painful, thought-provoking and emotional few days. At times, I felt like I was re-living and re-learning some lessons and challenges I had hoped to have left behind a long time ago. My friend Barb believes that we don't actually "re-learn" lessons but that we spiral upward and may touch on the same themes but it is just our way of healing and working them out in more and more intricate ways.
I like that visual since it doesn't make a girl feel like she is stuck in a never-ending quagmire or cycle. I think one of the hardest things to do is to let go of what isn't really working or rewarding without knowing for sure that something better will come along. I think we settle for dysfunctional relationships, jobs and situations because we are afraid there will be a big empty when we let go. Maybe this really IS as good as it gets?
For me, it can be hard to advocate for my own needs and to stay clear in my authentic experiences. It is especially hard when a very forceful "someone else" is reporting a different experience or a different description of what and who is going down. Learning that it really is possible for two people to be moving in completely different movies while sharing an experience/argument/altercation/etc. has been both liberating and heartwrenching for me. It means that no amount of pleading, yelling or explaining is going to make the other person see or hear us for who we think we are (and vice versa.)
I am not one to shy away from a discussion or an opportunity to have an authentic connection with someone--whether it is in love, compassion or conflict. Sometimes, however, the time comes to simply let go and walk away. All that can happen has happened and the sanest, healthiest and most loving thing to do is to let go and walk away.
The other amazing challenge for me is being called upon to change habits and repattern the way I move in the world. I do not always have to choose the same types of friends, mates, jobs, etc. As uncomfortable as it is, challenging myself to try something different--a grown-up government job with benefits (for example)or to consider being attracted to different sorts of friends and mates--is also in the "cards" so to speak and a big part of the shift of this past weekend. I am a little scared at the attempt to attract different things and people into my life--after all, what if I let go of what I have known all along and nothing else or different comes along to replace it? Then I am faced with that big empty I mentioned earlier.
So, a smattering of all the biggies this weekend--loss, disappointment, grief, confusion, anger, sadness--as well as some joy, delight, playfulness, love, hopefulness and laughter. I really have no idea what might move into my world now that I have exploded some of the elements but I have to trust that my lessons will ultimately be healing and that I am learning new ways of inviting different things into my life.
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