What I do Well...

In the midst of the constant self-inflicted urgings to do better at this and improve that, it can be human nature to forget to take stock of what a person does well. We all get certain gifts, talents, abilities and interests that can be a positive addition to the world if and as we use them. I have often told people that if I could get paid just to visit and help other people make connections--that would be the perfect job for me!

I also joke that just about everything I do well, I pretty much learned in high school. My ability to create social connections and encourage and support such behaviors is one of the things I do best. My Aquarian desire for inclusiveness and equality tends to be a strong motivator as I just want everyone to get together have fun and play nicely! I have had to learn over the years how to move in the world and help and facilitate without getting overwhelmed or over-involved (boundaries!) but at this age, I am finally starting to realize that this is something I do pretty well.

I was probably meant to live in the very time I do--I LOVE things like the internet, Facebook, e-mail, Twitter, and other means of connection and networking. The larger my realm of these little connections gets, the more excited I get about all the opportunities for connection. In my most immediate world, I am seeing the positive affects of all these ways of connecting; as well as some of the positive results of nurturing and encouraging social connections. I just LOVE seeing how we expand, grow and form working relationships, coalitions, committees, friendships, partnerships and all the other ways of connecting!

I still have to watch out for becoming overly involved or getting overextended but I also realize that since this is something I do well and that I enjoy, it is probably something I am meant to share...

Authenticity...

Variations of the word "authentic" have been coming up repeatedly in my world lately--enough that I have realized that this word "authentic" does not necessarily mean the same thing to everyone...

For example, when I use the words authentic or authenticity, I am referring to self-truth--something that is messy, real, and un-judge-able. When I say I am trying to be authentic or that I want authentic connections, I mean that I want to get either intimate with myself or intimate with others in a very real way.

This does not necessarily mean "pretty," "tidy" or exactly as I would imagine...

I have heard other people say they want an "authentic" connection when what they really want is a relationship or connection that fits their needs or is crafted in a way that they think would be right, appropriate or correct. "Authenticity" in this case means that people are behaving according to one person's values.

Authenticity and being authentic is not for the faint-hearted or superficial and it is definitely not tidy. Additionally, I find it is a constant process for me--it reminds me of swimming: floating is easy and I can do it without thinking, but if I want to actually get from place to place with purpose in the water I have to work at it. The minute I stop paddling or stroking my arms, my direction becomes uncontrollable.

I have to constantly ask myself what I need or want or whether or not I am being authentic in the moment. Much of the time I am acting out of habit or fear or whatever (and I am quite certain this is how it is for all of us)--being authentic takes a delving into messy truth that can be a bigger challenge.

One of those weekends...

Okay, my weekend wasn't as dramatic as the picture promises but there were some fireworks on the 4th. Instead, it was much more of a "working weekend" than I would have liked and I don't mean work for pay either.

Instead, life asked me to make some tough choices, to get in touch with myself, my needs, my desires and my challenges. If it sounds very "me" focused, I guess it was and I'm just not comfortable spending much time in that space!

I had my Tarot cards read on Friday morning and I thought it was just going to be a little entertaining blip to kick off a long holiday weekend. Instead, it seemed to be the gateway to an expanding, sometimes painful, thought-provoking and emotional few days. At times, I felt like I was re-living and re-learning some lessons and challenges I had hoped to have left behind a long time ago. My friend Barb believes that we don't actually "re-learn" lessons but that we spiral upward and may touch on the same themes but it is just our way of healing and working them out in more and more intricate ways.

I like that visual since it doesn't make a girl feel like she is stuck in a never-ending quagmire or cycle. I think one of the hardest things to do is to let go of what isn't really working or rewarding without knowing for sure that something better will come along. I think we settle for dysfunctional relationships, jobs and situations because we are afraid there will be a big empty when we let go. Maybe this really IS as good as it gets?

For me, it can be hard to advocate for my own needs and to stay clear in my authentic experiences. It is especially hard when a very forceful "someone else" is reporting a different experience or a different description of what and who is going down. Learning that it really is possible for two people to be moving in completely different movies while sharing an experience/argument/altercation/etc. has been both liberating and heartwrenching for me. It means that no amount of pleading, yelling or explaining is going to make the other person see or hear us for who we think we are (and vice versa.)

I am not one to shy away from a discussion or an opportunity to have an authentic connection with someone--whether it is in love, compassion or conflict. Sometimes, however, the time comes to simply let go and walk away. All that can happen has happened and the sanest, healthiest and most loving thing to do is to let go and walk away.

The other amazing challenge for me is being called upon to change habits and repattern the way I move in the world. I do not always have to choose the same types of friends, mates, jobs, etc. As uncomfortable as it is, challenging myself to try something different--a grown-up government job with benefits (for example)or to consider being attracted to different sorts of friends and mates--is also in the "cards" so to speak and a big part of the shift of this past weekend. I am a little scared at the attempt to attract different things and people into my life--after all, what if I let go of what I have known all along and nothing else or different comes along to replace it? Then I am faced with that big empty I mentioned earlier.

So, a smattering of all the biggies this weekend--loss, disappointment, grief, confusion, anger, sadness--as well as some joy, delight, playfulness, love, hopefulness and laughter. I really have no idea what might move into my world now that I have exploded some of the elements but I have to trust that my lessons will ultimately be healing and that I am learning new ways of inviting different things into my life.