Gratefulness

It is customary to count one's blessing on Thanksgiving day and to take stock in all the abundance and gifts that are swirling about. As most of you know, this has been a particularly challenging and tumultuous year for me, but I cannot help but feel incredibly grateful and thankful today...

How lucky am I to be spending Thanksgiving at the Becher's in Brownsburg, Indiana with my dear old friend Wendy! They have all been so amazingly welcoming and warm and open-hearted that I feel blessed to have such dear friends and be able to experience a heartland holiday once again. This has been a lot of fun and a place where I can be my unglamorous self and have limitless laughs in the process. It is special and healing and I truly appreciate this visit.

My girl and my kids are scattered across the country. I am glad that Tiger is able to spend the holiday with her family and I know how much she was looking forward to spending time with her daughter, her sister, her mom and other family members--not to mention getting to satisfy that craving for some East Coast pizza. As much as I miss her, I know that she is right where she needs to be on this particular holiday and I know she feels great about her adventure. One of the most delicious gifts of this past year has been the arrival of this woman in my life and it has taken us nearly an entire year to get where we are. Amidst all the changes and twists and turns and loss of 2009, the building and growing of our relationship is one of the elements I am most grateful for. As we move our "stuff" across the threshold of our new home together next week, I know I will be shaking my head at how we got from "My name is..." to a shared lease!

Those three fabulous young adults that are my kids are more abundance and thankfulness for me. I love how capable, interesting and evolving they are and I appreciate how loving they have been in letting me take this trip to Indiana for a holiday that we customarily spend together. I miss them, but I have talked to all of them repeatedly and I know that they are making room for a different holiday with their dad's family and it will be great. I am so grateful to have these three unique and special people in my life that I thank the universe for them at every turn.

Reconnecting with my family and getting through my own dad's passing and funeral, meeting new people and making new friends, and all the work that has been a part of my past year are all other things I feel gratitude for. I appreciate that I do feel so connected to the world and that my world continues to get larger and I appreciate that I can help and be helped and know that all this trial and tribulation is temporary. With all the loss of the past year and all the drastic changes, I value focusing on all the gains and abundant surprises that have come into my life as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Eve

Today was a baking day in kitchens all over the country. Not only was I slicing apples and making pie dough here in Wendy's kitchen in Indiana, I know that Tiger was also making pies and cranberry relish in her mother's kitchen in New Jersey. My daughter Lucy is planning to attempt her first solo pie-baking this evening as well.

It has been wonderful being able to let my hair down and get in some good visiting and wandering and playing here in Indiana. Of course I miss my kids and my girl and my usual routine of cooking dinner at my house but this year just needed to be different. This year has been different on so many counts and it seemed like Indiana was a good place for me to be. It has been wonderful and there is nothing quite like playing with old friends to help things feel a bit more settled. I am starting to feel as though when I return to Eugene I will be able to concentrate on the next wave of changes; a new home with Tiger, the holiday season with family and friends, and new work projects.

The world still feels off-kilter with the death of my father and the major moving and transition that we have all been through. The affects of the economy are being felt by just about everyone I know--particularly on the West Coast and I have no idea what the future will bring. No idea at all.

As I settle into this evening after a day of baking and playing in the kitchen, I am working to focus on gratitude and starting to formulate tomorrow's list of all the things I truly am thankful for--despite the rock-and-roll adventures of the past year!

Midwestern Things and Fall Changes

My visit in the heartland continues and as I allow myself the pleasures of being somewhere "else" and the ease of connecting with dear old friends, I think that I am finally able to start putting all the mad changes of the past year into some perspective. Mostly it is just an embracing of what "is" and allowing things to be as they are without much questioning. Some things change and some things don't. I really don't have any control over most of it and the secret seems to be to just keep going.

When I return to the West Coast, Tiger and I will be moving into a sweet little bungalow on the close-in North side of town. I looked at several places and started house hunting nearly two months ago for myself. As is typical, however, the universe seemed to have ideas of its own and when Teri and I finally decided that we wanted to find a place together, the very next day this house presented itself to us and all the obstacles seemed to dissolve. How hard it is to quiet the voices and let go of the fears and just allow life to unfold!

I realize that the connectedness I feel in this world has nothing to do with place, stuff, or items and everything to do with people, conversation and love. I am lucky. I have some of the most amazing friends and loved ones scattered all over the globe and I never know when I will form a new, lasting and enriching friendship. In the time I have been single, I never panicked about "meeting someone" nor did I feel particularly lonely. I have had my kids, friends and vast volumes of connections to bolster me over the years. I just figured that people would continue to come into my life and if I was meant to have another close, intimate relationship, it would present itself as well.

As I age, I just become more and more myself. I feel an increasing depth of comfort with the "who" of me regardless of where I am or who I am with. I realize that with the increased comfort and self-awareness comes an increased ability to be present and genuine with others. Amazing.

So, as I experience a gorgeous Fall and holiday in the flat fields of Indiana, I know that my nearest and dearest will be experiencing their own transitions in myriad other locations. Tiger will be with her people on the East Coast, my kids will be with friends and family around Oregon, and other friends will be finding each other over tables, on dance floors, in living rooms and walking side-by-side along leaf-strewn trails. What an amazing life this is with all of its turmoil and letting go and allowing the new to come in!

A Visit to Indiana...

As I write, I am sitting in my dear old friend Wendy's living room, surrounded by three dogs and the Becher family. Wendy and I met at a play date in the park when all five of our children were preschoolers and have stayed the best and closest of pals over nearly fifteen years, thousands of miles and myriad changes. All of our children are nearly grown--or on the edge of adulthood and we are both solidly in middle age now. Amazing.

Our lives have changed, our homes have changed, our families have changed and yet there are so many things that seem to have not changed at all. It has been decades since we tried to carve out a coherent conversation amidst diaper changes, arguments over toys, peanut butter sandwiches and carpools. We have shared memories and hundreds of ones that we have experienced separately and it delights me to find the two of us talking, laughing and wandering with the sincerest of connections.

While I am here in Indiana, I still feel very connected to "back home" too--my girl, my kids, my friends and all the other pieces of connection that make up a life. It is a blessing to be able to stretch across the miles and across the years and truly appreciate the surprising comforts that life serves up.

My Dad's Death...

It came the way it sometimes does--as a phone call. My phone was vibrating while I was sitting in a movie at The Bijou with my girlfriend Teri and my son, Stuart. As we walked out of the theater, I listened to the message from my mother and she needed an immediate return call.

My Dad was only 66 years old and while it wasn't an absolute shocking surprise, it was sudden and unexpected. We will never know exactly what happened and we are all okay with that. It was one of his very strong wishes not to be subject to an autopsy.

Teri and I got to the moutainside and my parents home on Thursday morning, honoring my Mother's request to have the night to herself. The past week has been heavy, intense, and at times silly, funny and slow. We have run the gamut of emotions and with the arrival of my sister (who lives in Brooklyn, NY) and my brother and his family, we all rallied to try to do the best we possibly could to help Mom and the rest of us move through those initial days.

I have only begun to think about grieving. There has been so much to do. I woke up in my own town this morning and felt the immediate pang and need to check on the folks back at my parents' home. The only thing I do know is that the death of a parent changes everything--I have been so lucky to have lived as long as I have with both my parents (up until a year ago, I could also claim to have all my grandparents as well.) Three deaths of close relatives--both my grandfathers and my dad--in fourteen months has been almost inconceivable. However, I know I am still fortunate and that I felt incredibly blessed to be surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones as we all started to wrap our heads around a world without Ron Rodley...