Too Much...

Everything has been a bit too much lately--there has been too much to do; too many variables to contend with; too many moods, germs, tasks, problems and surprises. It is strange how life can go that way. A month ago, I was feeling very positive and optimistic, on the verge of falling in love, and just feeling like I had a handle on everything--I'd even adjusted to having two of my fledglings out of the nest. Fast forward a few weeks and all of that has changed. I am back to have two kids at home, a cluttered house, a cluttered life, a slightly dented heart, and empty bank account, and more tasks and responsibilities that I can possibly handle right now. It is all a bit too much. I know this too is temporary, but I'm not sure that really makes it any easier.

Things are a bit blurry, heavy, foggy and overwhelming. Perhaps that is simply one of the realities of the triple A's--I HAVE been focusing hard on Activism, Activity and Appreciation but sometimes there are elements outside of a girl's control. It becomes necessary to regroup and retract--just long enough to get one's footing.

Evolution & Liberation

It was time...it IS time--I had very good reasons for cutting off all my hair although my kids were a little worried that my drastic urge meant I was slipping into crazy-land. My closest friends understood, however, that it was EXACTLY what needed to happen.

The past few years of my life have been fraught with very typical, yet very challenging changes as I move obviously into the middle part of my life. (At least I think it is the middle part, who knows really?) The deaths of my two beloved grandfathers in the past few months, as well as launching kids, a big breakup, attempts at dating, job and career changes and all those other ordinary adventures--all within a few years--have really been a period of growth and expansion for me. Of course that doesn't mean it's been easy!

In some cultures, cutting off the hair is a way of grieving; it can also be used as a way of initiating a person into a new period of life--people cut off all their hair to show solidarity, join orders and communities and well, that is exactly how it felt for me. I'm initiating myself into a new period of my life. I am NOT concerned with fitting any external expectations of how I need to look, perform, or act. I am NOT the slightest bit interested in trying to fulfill leftover projections from my childhood or trying to prove to the world that I am NOT what they would like me to be. It was the perfect time to cut off almost all my hair...

I have wrestled with "inside/outside" stuff for a big chunk of my life--trying to fight the assumptions and projections that other people have based on how I look or should look on the outside and get the real "inside" person out into the light of day. Again, I am not particularly unique; a great many of us go through this to various degrees. In my case, my "looks" can sometimes be a problem for me--not because of how I feel about myself but because of the things other people say; assumptions they make; comments they might say, etc. I have no real desire to be pretty, attractive, "hot" or any such nonsense--my goal is to be authentic, compassionate, open, vulnerable, and loving. Mostly I want to be a full, complicated, flawed human who can go into deep and ambiguous places. Recently, my HAIR was getting in the way!

Of course, my hair wasn't literally getting in the way, but as a societal symbol it was. I have had people tell me that they were attracted to me because of my hair, one person confessed she felt like she could come and talk to me at a meeting because "my hair looked warm and inviting" (yeah, I don't know what that was about) and I have had people tell me I didn't "look like a lesbian" or question whether I was capable of things because of how I looked. Losing over 65 pounds has not helped matters (but there's nothing I can do about that--I'm still going to work on the weight stuff for my health.) I needed to strip away some of that external stuff and invite the world to get past it as well.

Of course I can't control what other people do or say, but I can continue working NOT to fall into the trap. I am NOT interested in fulfilling any leftover expectations from my childhood or presenting myself in a way that some "other" has deemed desirable. I AM happy to invite people into my world who can see beyond the outside packaging and who don't even really care. Let's get down to what really matters, we have such a short time on this earth. In many cultures, cutting off the hair is an important part of grieving. It is also used as a means of initiation--the hair is shorn prior to entering religious orders, certain jobs, and communities. It definitely feels as though I am initiating myself into a new era of my life. It was definitely time to cut off almost my hair.

Emotional Investment

As a long-time single mom, you would think I would learn some major lessons! The fact is, I have to learn them again and again. For example, when I date, I really date for four; I date for a family. The choices that I have made historically have had an impact on not just me and my personal growth and development but the emotions and psyches of my kids. Yeah...I haven't always done such a great job on this. I've apologized over and over again but, well, I still end up feeling like crap...

Not only do I get emotionally invested (and I am determined to continue to be open, vulnerable and optimistic which really invites that emotional stuff) but so do my kids. Well, sometimes only one or two of them--but they do start to move around and make room if they think I am getting interested in someone. My kids are fantastic and they have really made room again and again for new friends, potential partners, volunteer projects, jobs, and other activities. They seem to take after their mom and approach each new person with optimism and an open-mind. Unfortunately, this means some emotional attachment.

I have known single parents who swore that they wouldn't date until the kids were out of the house or grown up but I'm starting to wonder if that is even a reasonable solution for my scene. It may just be that I need to get really picky about who I invite into the inner circle or that I make a pact to live out the second half of my life solo. The fact that I've really been un-partnered for a big chunk of the first half might be an indication of my karma in this department!

But, what is the alternative? I'm not really willing to give up on wanting to share my fabulous life and my amazing kids; and I'm not really willing to skeptically cut people out before I get to know them. What I do need to do, however, is get a little better at protecting those other tender hearts--I may be a little more risky with my own, but I get the feeling that no matter how old my kids get, I will need to consider their emotional investment too.

It's Not About the "Do" but the "Who"

My kids are all three in a place where they are trying to move out into the world and figure out "what comes next." Despite the lapsed memories of many adults, this is not an easy place to be! Especially in a world that seems precarious, unpredictable and confusing. They are tough kids with lots of daily living skills--I trust them all and know that if I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow, they would be just fine. My confidence in them has nothing to do with what they "do" but it has everything to do with "who" they actually are.

The path they take in terms of school, jobs, and external "stuff" is far less important to me than who they actually are. And, who they are is amazing, emotional, loving, considerate, compassionate, thoughtful and involved. They all have the ability to look beyond the surface of things and tolerate a great deal of complication, ambiguity and confusion and that just dazzles me! They are all committed to trying to be good people and wanting to be engaged with others--all the while facing those uncomfortable realities that come from being human and I think that is so reassuring.

I wish I could protect them from the icky judgment and superficial expectations--especially that heart-breaking lack of acceptance and unconditional love that can come from those who have been closest to them. It sucks. I know it sucks because I have been there myself. It is hard trying to cling to a sense of self and purpose when there are those who try to tell you what you "should" be doing and how conventional you "ought" to be living your life. My kids have never disappointed me and I can see how heartbreaking it is for them when they are told by others that they are disappointments--as if they are obligated to live their lives marching to the drum and expectations of someone else.

We are close, the four of us, and I am most proud of that. I am reassured that they support each other, talk to each other and stand up for each other; I find some comfort in the fact that when one of them is aching, attacked or upset, the other two are there for him or her. This is not to say that they don't fight amongst themselves, but the bond is true and strong when the chips are down. I think they know that it doesn't matter to me what they "do"--my love, acceptance, support and joy in having them in my lives is unconditional. I have confidence that this is a way of living and loving that they will carry with them into adulthood as well. I only wish that the rest of the world could be the same way!