A Birthday...

Lilly's seventeenth birthday and all four of us gathered together for an afternoon and evening of FUN! Burgers and a leisurely lunch out and then off to the Roller Derby for a double header (Track Town Smack Down to be exact.) It is grand discovering things that I can do with all three of my kids now that they are older and it is additionally fun that we have come past the snarkiest of teenage years and can all be pleasant and civilized with each other again. Lots of laughs, a warm sunny day, and celebrating Lilly's birthday to boot!

Playfulness...

Summer has always been synonymous with many things to me: baseball, reunions, swimming...I have realized recently that one of the real reasons that I am so fond of summer is that it brings out the truly playful side in my personality. I long to do silly, easy, expensive and leisurely things during these warm and gorgeous days of summer. While I never really mind working, I yearn to do as little as possible so that there is plenty of time to play and romp.

Sitting nose to beak with a beautiful peacock, getting a chuckle out of a little frivolous Americana, lounging by the pool with a good friend on a Monday, planning a trip, talking to strangers, watching movies...there is always time for work (and I generally do plenty of it) but spending some of these long days of summer being playful seems to make a great deal more sense...

Seasons...

As predictable as I like to think the seasons are--after all, summer does inevitably pass into fall and then to winter and spring and back again--they also never seem to unravel the same way. Some summers are hotter or wetter and sometimes we get snow in January and other times in March. Overall, the cycles of the seasons come and go, but they never really do it the same way.

Today I spent the day cleaning stuff out and purging--hauling this and that out to the dumpster and gathering up garbage and unused items. Purging to me feels like a necessary part of making room. It is impossible for change to come, for the new to enter a life, unless some of the old gets swept away. Despite my having learned how to clean out and let go, it still can feel a bit unsettling. After all, it is like admitting completely that certain things have passed and will never come again.

I have a friend who tends to purge prematurely and then finds herself having to go out and replace items that she gave or threw away. I still think it can be better to purge and liberate and go with the inevitable unique changing of the seasons, than to cling too long to things that really need to go. I like to think of it as *making room* instead of letting go, it just seems so much more optimistic.

More Summer Stuff

There is always more to do, more adventures, more people and visits and pleasures than a person can ever experience. That doesn't mean that a gal can't try! Living in Oregon is a gift--the trees and water and weather and amazing people who find their way to the west just add to the possibilities. It is hard to believe that we are already into mid-July. Of course, the richness of life doesn't come from never-ending fun and pleasures. It is the stresses, the sudden surprises that upend things, the disagreements and misunderstandings that help to keep things flavorful and spicy--and make the mellow, pleasant days all the more treasured.

I'll Take Door Number...

Choices...twists...turns...surprises--no matter how much I try to organize and plan for my life, there is still an incredibly huge element of surprise. There are days when I feel like it is a great mystery where I will be and how I will feel at the end of the day! It is like Dorothy and pals on the "Wizard of Oz"--what lies around that next bend? Who will I bump into on the other side of that tree?

Some days I am much more at peace with the inevitable secret that is being kept from me than I am on other days. Even though I have lived long enough to start to recognize themes and to feel my way when I know I am facing a familiar-feeling circumstance, I can still get crabby at the unpredictability of everything. "If only I knew the outcome" I tell myself, "then I would feel comfortable making this choice!"

Well, we do not know the outcome, nor do we necessarily know if we are making the "right" choice or not. We do not know who will be waiting for us when we walk through the door (if anyone) or if it will be lovely, stressful, exciting, rewarding, or horrifying. We just don't know. Instead we try to force things, shape them and ask ourselves "what if" until our throat is parched. The unanswerable question: "What if?"

If I get too wrapped up in worrying about what is on the other side of the gate or door, I can get immobilized and afraid to take the chance. Of course, I will never know what is on the other side of the door until I open up and take a peek...

Soul Mates, True Loves & Lasting Friends

Like most people, there have been so many people who have passed through, over and around my life. Some, whom I was instantly enamored of, slipped away without a second glance while there have been other companions and relationships that seasoned and weathered over time--surprising me by how unconditional and lasting they have been. Still, I continue to plod along and struggle a bit--working to appreciate the friends and love I have, letting go of those who are not necessarily meant to continue, and choosing new friends and companions with care and chemistry.

I am not always the most likable person, nor am I always terribly lovable. At this age, I find that I have more compassion for other people overall, and more for myself as well. Those truly good, amazing, unconditional soul mates are few and far between. We accept each other's fallacies, have weathered disappointments, bumbles, and manage to recognize each other regardless of how many years have passed. I never know when I start getting to know someone knew whether they will ripen into one of these rare people or whether I will be that sort for them--it is a mystery, which is what makes these genuine connections so rare indeed.

In May, my amazing Midwestern soul mate Wendy and I got these matching tattoos. We each put them on different places on our body but we chose and created the design together with some help from the tattooist and now she is with me in body and spirit as one of those great mysterious undefinable gifts.

I could list my true and genuine loves on both hands and feel absolutely blessed to have such abundance in this area of my life. I have been lucky. I have struggled and had my heart broken a time or two, but overall, the roses keep blooming.

Taking Myself Less Seriously...

Getting older offers so many lessons--what a surprise it was to me to realize in my early twenties that "growing up" was really a process not a place or a culmination I would ever reach. Now, in my forties, after so many lessons--some easy, some painful, some just intense--I find that I am called to a major task: Learning to take myself and life much less seriously!

Striving for order, perfection, and to just get a handle on the constant chaos of life has been a pretty futile task. People do what they do, things happen, I get tired or say the wrong thing or change my mind. While I still strive to keep marginal control over the things in my world that I can control, I am gradually learning to embrace my imperfections in all their quirky reality.

Being honest matters to me, as does fulfilling my commitments and responsibilities--but I am finally learning that I don't have to take on more than I want to and I do not have to be absolutely flawless and perfect at the things I do attempt. I make mistakes--big ones! I bumble and stumble and am learning that some of it can be pretty darn funny (and fun)--so, I'm learning to lighten up and as I accept that other people are delightfully human, I'm allowing myself to be human too.

(Thanks to Meli Ewing who took this photo at Lucy's and Lilly's graduation party; I have no idea how or when she got it, but I figure she captured a very accurate and current "snapshot.")

SUMMER!

My favorite season has settled in for the long-haul--summer. It already seems over-stuffed and full of all sorts of summery activities: baseball games, picnics, swims, festivals, visits, dinners al fresco, etc. I LOVE IT and try not to think about the fact that it is short-lived. Of course there are daily details to tend to and all three of my kids are taking classes this summer, but it still definitely feels like summer.

This summer I just cannot help but count all the blessings--three amazing, healthy kids, the fact that we are weathering all the changes and growing up challenges, my jobs, business and work, fantastic friends and loving family; not to mention all of the comfort and abundance that surrounds me. Whether it is sipping sparkling wine with a friend, or eating mammoth amounts of Mexican food with Lucy and Meli or making Lilly yet another of her current favorite grilled cheese sandwiches, I look around at all the flowers, cushions, food and people and feel like the most fortunate woman in the world.

Life can be so bumpy that I think it is grand to truly slow down and appreciate the glorious abundance and playfulness of summer...

(Thanks to Meli Ewing for the photo!)