Making Work Work...

My relationship to work is in flux--it has been a few months since I have had the "traditional job" but that does not mean that I haven't been working or "fundraising" as I have preferred to think of it for the past several years. I still do NOT feel a strong desire to get back into the nine-to-five grind of working even though I am completely open to something suitable and have been searching, staying open and sending out the 'ole resume. What I do feel a consistent desire to keep doing, however, is to keep up the writing work and that really hasn't faltered during the last few years.

Carving out the time, space, and focus to keep working is not always easy. It IS work and finding a balance between being creative and NOT giving up on the "real" writing all the while using my skills to generate regular income is a challenge. Boy oh boy, is it a challenge! Finding the courage to listen to my soul and continue to pour energy and effort into the writing is an even harder challenge. It is hard to explain why I think this is the right work for me and it is definitely hard to figure out how to make real money at it instead of going out and getting a job at something I have done before. I am trying to be easy and encouraging with myself.

I do know that if I stay focused and do the work, it is easier to keep working. I also know that I feel productive and creative and the more I write, the more I think about writing so that is a good thing too. What I don't know is what the future brings or whether or not I will need to abandon the efforts to do the writing work to get something more lucrative and societally sanctioned. Meanwhile, I try to stay focused and I try to stay positive about finding new ways to make work...work.

"Are You Kori?"

It was exactly one year ago that Teri swaggered over to where I was sitting at Wandering Goat on a Saturday morning and asked me, "Are you Kori?" She was looking for information on a book group and had been told that I would be the gal who could help. This introduction or "meeting" has become part of our myth and we get to tell it over and over again when people ask how we met. Of course, neither one of us had any idea where we would be twelve months later.

Was it love at first sight? Definitely not. Did I think she was cute? Absolutely. I think she just thought I was someone who could help her connect to other things going on in the community. In reality, however, we did start getting to know each other as friends right away and if I am to be honest, I was probably confessing to a few close people that I had a bit of a "crush" within a matter of a few weeks. She was sassy and genuine and didn't seem to have any trouble putting her opinions and ideas forward and I liked that. She had an amazing smile and we got each other's humor. I have always been a sucker for a person who could master the art of the pun!

When Tiger and I tell our "story," it changes as we change. How it felt and what I thought was happening for me at the time is different from the story we are able to tell together now one year later. Anyone who knows us, however, knows that we were both cautious, intentional and what we jokingly call our "courtship" was really a combination of nurturing a friendship and negotiations on what sort of relationship we wanted to build.

Despite the fact that we are both pretty darn decent communicators, the past year has not always been a breeze. We have been incredibly fortunate to have plenty of time to get to know each other and the fact that we do genuinely enjoy each other's company on multiple levels has been a delightful gift. I tell people that with two women our age, we really have to sift and sort and work with a combined CENTURY of history, experiences and "baggage"--not always an easy task. But when it comes down to it, the truth is, I really like her. She is smart and challenges me mentally and intellectually; she is definitely someone to laugh with; she is deep and compassionate and intensely passionate; and for now, we "work"--we just seem to fit as we deepen our understanding of each other.

Yes, I know, it is still so early in the whole scheme of things and we remind ourselves of that constantly. Despite all that we have crammed into the first twelve months, we really are still bumbling along at the beginning. I am okay with that; I dig being a part of this unfolding and changing story.

Birthdays...

We have birthdays upcoming--both Tiger and myself. It is actually kind of fun to know that our birthdays are so close together and I think we actually have some fun with the fact that we are both Aquarius babes--even if we tend to manifest the sign in different ways. Teri, of course, being a twin is quite used to sharing her birthday. I, being an ego-maniac at times, am not. I don't think she is the type to make quite the same level of birthday fuss that I make so perhaps she isn't exactly thrilled that I have sucked her into my birthday frenzy...

Forty-three...it just sounds like a number really as I don't particularly feel much different than I did last year or ten years ago. Really the only difference I can notice other than the physical obviousness of aging (which is really a grand adventure for me to watch and experience how things shift and change) is that I feel more comfortably and more solidly myself. I just feel fine in my own skin and that just seems to get better and better with age.

So, bring on the cake and ice cream! Bring on the celebrations! I am looking forward to singing "Happy Birthday" to Tiger for the second time (her last birthday I had only known her for a week and I instigated a rousing group singing of "Happy Birthday" to her at her second-only Saturday morning lesbian coffee. This year, however, she may get the rendition in full operatic force --Yay!

We winter birthdays...close on the tail end of the Christmas holidays and squozen in so close to Valentine's Day--tend to get lost in the snow and storms. I am determined to play a little, celebrate a little, and enjoy the first of what I intend to be MANY shared birthdays with the Tiger...

Intention...

I am not particularly young...in a couple weeks I will be welcoming my 43rd birthday. When I look at pictures or look at myself in the mirror sometimes it seems the reflection is exactly what I expecting at other times I look older or younger than I am imagining myself to be. Regardless of what the mirror image shows, the truth is that I have bumbled and stumbled through 43 years of living...

I know myself better now--much of the time I know why I am reacting to things the way I am; I recognize triggers and patterns and all those "acts of living" that person my age OUGHT to recognize, but this doesn't mean that I sail through every day without a smidge of moodiness or any rough patches. In fact, after 43 years, there are a hell of a lot of triggers to sift through on a daily basis!

Cohabitation is a gift; my growing relationships are a gift; and most definitely the connection I have with Tiger is a gift--but this doesn't mean that any of things come easy all the time. SOME of the time, they are incredibly easy--there are days when I am chatting with my nearly 20-year-old daughter and we have the smoothest of conversations and I think, "Man, this is getting so easy!" There are other days when I am not sure why we are misunderstanding each other. In many ways, falling in love at this age has been the easiest adventure ever--I took my time to choose someone I respect and adore; we communicate well and have some really strong, shared values and similar life experiences to draw on. In other ways, the intention that is required to sculpt together a combined century of experiences can be overwhelmingly challenging. I have never been one to gloss over the stumbles of realities so I am not afraid to say that there are moments when I have abolutely no idea what I am doing.

I know myself most days and I feel that I face each day and each choice with a level of intention I didn't have when I was younger. There are still times when I am not really sure WHY I am reacting to things the way I am. I still have no idea where I am going and I try not to pay much attention to wondering where I will end up (we all end up in the same circumstance at the end anyway right?)What I do know at this age is that I am constantly making choices--every day is a choice; my relationships are a choice; the work I do is a choice; to give and receive love, understanding and affection is a choice. I know that at this juncture, I am living my life with intention...

Creating Hope...

It is hard to ignore the expressions of loss, fear and deprivation that I have been hearing from friends lately. It is hard to ignore my own feelings of "lack" that have been gnawing and churning for the past few months. What a time we live in! For myself, there has been so much focus on simply taking care of the most basic needs--providing shelter, making sure my kids are safe, and trying to shake some of the precariousness of the past year--that I haven't felt I could put any energy into creative endeavors. Even the writing that I have been doing in the past couple months has been purely hack work--writing for pay with little thought on truly being creative.

There is a hopefulness that is required in the act of creation. We invest something in the future when we strive to create--whether it is in art, a craft project, or as I am finding--in gardening. I have entered the new year wanting to unblock all the realities of life that are keeping me from exploring more of my creative self. It is easier said or expressed than done, however. I am not feeling any more secure in terms of finances and it can be tough to justify creative endeavors when a gal wonders if she shouldn't be focusing on more practical issues!

There have been some glitches and obstacles and it can seem easier just to assume those are "signs" or reasons NOT to express one's creative urges. Why is it we think that the things that matter should be easy and obstacle-free? I am forcing myself to put shovel into the dirt; forcing myself to focus on creating something where it didn't exist before; forcing myself to use my hands and my head for acts of creation instead of merely staying afloat and meeting the survival struggles of each day. It may seem a luxury at times, but I realize it is also an act of hope. My creative efforts mean that I am fostering hope that the future is going to be better than today...

2010...

Well, here I am on the first Monday of the new year. Grey skies, quiet house, a list of little housekeeping tasks to take care of and I cannot help but feel as though I am waiting for a sign of what the upcoming stretch of twelve months might bring.

I count my blessings, hope for the best, try to face challenges and lessons head on, and still, there is no way NOT to be affected by the time and place in which I live. There is uncertainty in the air--a clenching and fears of loss and deprivation that I feel from almost everyone I come in contact with. I try to access feelings of peace and strength and find that it is harder in times of uncertainty. Sometimes, a person just has to ride things out and lay a little bit low.

Meanwhile, I try to bring myself back to thinking good, warm thoughts for everyone. I breathe into the difficulties and personality conflicts; try to acknowledge the fear that lies behind some of the challenges and hope that there will be more abundance, love and peace in 2010...