Home...

Today Teri and I finished sorting and packing away all the Christmas decor. We are simpatico when it comes to our holiday decorating calendar--everything goes up on the Friday after Thanksgiving (Decoration Day) and it comes down soon after Christmas. A month of holiday house is perfect and we can start the new year with a fresh, clean, and airy feeling home.

This was our second Christmas together in the same home. This morning, we went through the spiral notebook we use to keep all our hosting, house, and garden stuff in and looked back over the menus, guest lists and notes from the past 12 months and I have been thinking about the process of our joint homemaking ever since.

We are compatible, yet different. There have been power struggles and negotiations--more than I have ever experienced. We are still in search of the new dishes that we would like to choose together and it has been over a year since we started that quest. As we were walking out of Pier One this evening and heading across the parking lot to the Pottery Barn, Teri commented that our differences in taste and preference are not insurmountable, but they are enough to keep things interesting!

We both care very much how our home surroundings feel, smell and look. Color and composition matter to us and we both value comfort, cleanliness and a homey accessibility. I can honestly say that I have never been in a relationship with another person where I shared as much in terms of tasks, cooking, and decorating. We joke about our "candle budget" and fake fight over whose turn it is to use the vacuum, but the end result is that this feels very much like OUR home.

I do not get to have my own way, nor do I have carte blanch over where to hang the artwork (or even which artwork gets to hang on the wall) or where the furniture goes. Fortunately, we both love change and there is seldom resistance to seeing how things would look moved around or changing out the bedding or curtains. There are times, I confess, when I miss my old life where I was the sole homemaker and I could make solo purchases, decide paint colors or rearrange things on a personal whim but I had years and years of that. Sharing a home and sharing a life this time around has taken on a new depth of meaning since we truly share in every aspect of building a home and a haven together.

So a new year is upon us; a new year of decisions, life changes, challenges and adventures. Teri and I have both lived in almost two dozen "houses" each, but this process of making a home together has been unique and fulfilling in a completely new way...

You Just Never Know...

The holidays can be a rugged time for gay/queer people--I just want to put that right out there in a bold opening sentence. The truth is, many have been estranged from family and supposed loved ones for at least a portion of their post-coming-out lives, others may still be sorting through feelings of rejection, different-ness and alienation. Not to mention that there can be constant reminders of holidays, people and places PAST.

We face the precariousness and marginalization that the holiday season brings up: Will our partners be accepted by our families', kids, friends, etc? How will we merge and blend all the areas of our lives? Can we bring our partners to the office party? church party? block party? (or can we even mention their names out loud?) And how do we even know that those people who are civil to our faces aren't the very ones who are gay bashing, hate mongering and voting against anything that might provide basic rights or equality for LGBTQ people? Have you ever stopped to imagine what it is like to have to be cordial, civil and respectful to people who may not be the same way back? Or people you KNOW may walk into the next room and tell a sexist, homophobic, racist or otherwise icky "joke" or anecdote?

In my dream world, here are the very basic ways that LGBTQ folks would be treated during the holiday season:

1. Holiday cards and letters would be addressed to both partners--even if it means taking up an extra line!
2. Invitations would be extended to both partners in a respectful way.
3. Family members would refrain from bigoted comments, remarks, and "jokes" for the entire month of December.
4. Family members and supposed loved-ones would use the preferred pronouns, names, etc. for the entire month of December.
5. Refrain from bringing up painful past events: Who really needs to be reminded of the holidays he/she/they missed when Mom and Dad weren't talking to him/her/them because of coming out, moving out, or other life changes?
6. No pressure to go to church, say the prayers, attend mass, etc. so that our sinful ways can be absolved.

In the past few weeks, I have unwittingly stumbled upon hurtful, bigoted and anti-gay comments, stories, Facebook pages, etc. and I have heard the pain in others' voices as they described holiday cards where partners were obviously omitted--it is not okay, regardless of whether it is to be expected or not. Here's the thing, we KNOW you are out there, we experience the hatred and inequalities on a daily basis and many of us work tirelessly for advocacy and change because of your very attitudes and actions. Could we just have a break during the holidays and could you keep the hate, fear and ignorance for yourself for maybe four or five weeks? We have to walk the high road and put up with it every day of our lives, but in the spirit of the season, we'd like a little peace as well...

Kicking off the Season!

Teri and I decided to embrace the holiday season this year--at least that was the original plan. Of course, we have varying degrees of "spirit" and they rarely coincide, but we are both in such a different place this season than last that it warrants celebration.

After having a house full for Thanksgiving, we swung open the doors a week later for a festive gathering of friends, neighbors, and coworkers. We served up favorite holiday desserts and sweets and had all sorts of "fixins'" for hot toddies and holiday beverages--a hot buttered rum? Eggnog with a nip of brandy? hot orange cider with a little club soda? coffee? cocoa? You get the idea--we just wanted people to get a taste of their holiday favorites and herald in the season with some festivities and fun.

Of course, we hope the mission was accomplished. I know that for us, it feels like the holiday season is in full swing--we are starting our shopping--checking items off the ever-changing list; and trying to enjoy the activities, visiting and treats that this time of year tends to bring. Meanwhile, there is "real life" too--Teri starting a new job, continuing all our projects and causes, and Kori striving to get a budget, work plan and other details all lined up at her work. December has a tendency to be amazing on so many levels!

As the year comes to an end, it truly gives us the opportunity to celebrate how far we have come; to commemorate the milestones of the year and to look forward to the possibilities of the coming year. It may just be a "date" or a "season" but for me, it gives the chance to take stock, enjoy, and experience gratitude for these continuing life cycles...

Yay for the holidays!