Where are We Now?

While so much seems to be happening all the time, it seems like there are definitely "themes" and cycles that don't seem to change much at all. I am still adjusting to having older kids--trying to figure out when to let go, when to step in, and what to do with myself now that things are changing. My kids are still my kids--of course--but they are also other things to other people--friends, lovers, students, grandchildren, workers, volunteers, exes--all of these very "non-child-like" pieces of identity. When I hear they are having a hard time, whether through choices of their own or not--I want to rush in, rescue them and save the day. I don't want them to be uncomfortable, hungry, hurt, lonely, scared or any of those ordinary life realities we all have to learn to cope with. I don't want to cripple them with overbearing parenting, but I ache when they ache too. I am STILL negotiating around that.

Meanwhile, it is definitely spring--Easter is around the corner and while it is normally my favorite holiday, I am not at all sure what I want to do with it this year. Lucy will be busy with her boyfriend's world, Lilly is in San Diego and it will just be Stuart and I. I suppose we get to decide what we want to do and make it up as we go along just as we always have. I suppose I will be "sending" Easter baskets to at least two of my kids instead of hiding them around the house. It is "play it by ear"--Lucy and I made cookies last week and had an easy, playful time, but that is so far the only Easter-like activity I have done.

As my kids' worlds get bigger, my world gets bigger too. My role as a mom is expanding in some ways while in other ways it is shrinking away. While it is probably quite boring to hear me talk about transitions--I definitely feel like I am still in the midst of it. Not just in my role as a parent, but in other areas of my life where things are blooming, expanding and changing as well. Like many people, I would love to have a crystal ball and be able to look ahead one year or three or five and know that everything is going to turn out lovely; everything is going to be just fine--then I could relax a bit and trust that I am on the right path (as well as those loved ones around me.) I wouldn't be so worried about slipping up, making mistakes and taking the wrong turns in the path. Unfortunately, it all comes down to staying in the game and taking these constant leaps of faith. When in doubt, I allow myself to feel the attachment, the love, the vulnerability that comes from moving through this world with people I care about and then I just have to trust that will be enough to guide me.

So, where are we now? I'm not exactly sure...

Getting Down to the Basics

It can be tough to maintain a sense of equilibrium and self-awareness when life is swirling and spinning. Lately, there has been so much movement in my world and I have been wearing several hats and masks--so many that it can be hard remembering who I am underneath it all!

I also haven't been doing much writing for the past several weeks--okay, until the past day or two, I hadn't done ANY writing in a few weeks. I definitely know myself well enough by now to know that lack of writing can start to feel really unnerving for me. I don't feel like myself and lose a sense of grounding and purpose. With kids moving out and moving on and marvelous new people and adventures, the lack of writing was becoming a problem.

So, I'm working on it--grabbing a notebook and pen and starting to scribble and scratch some ideas and such. While I realize that more writing means a bit more solitude and less "out and about"--I'm okay with that because it really is at the core of who I am. While people are barking at me because I'm not being and doing what they expect at work and as a volunteer (these past couple weeks have been very rugged on the volunteer front and I've been getting an earful about my flaws and inability to be on the mark at a moment's call)--it has reminded me that those are just little pieces of my life--they are not family, true friends and soulmates, or my writing and personal self that are being attacked. It is just a mask I choose to wear (for the time being.)

So, back to basics it is--it feels good to focus on those genuine, perfect elements that make my life make sense.

Work, Perspective, Humor and Gifts from the Universe...

It has only been 3 days since the close of the most recent conference. My experiences as the conference planner are completely different from anyone else's--all the participants and registrants come to experience connection and get reinvigorated in their chosen profession while for me, 12-14-hour days of on-site work, following weeks of long days of organization and details, can be incredibly draining. For me it is not a chosen profession, it is a job that allows me to feed my kids, stay afloat as a single mom, and also work that makes it challenging for me to balance my other chosen work--my writing. Still, there is a sense of accomplishment when I get back in the office and am able to close files, wrap up issues and toss papers into the recycling. I am reconnecting with my kids and friends who haven't seen much of me during those long days of trouble-shooting. Since my support-team is elsewhere, being at conferences actually can isolate me from those people with whom I feel connected. I'm definitely a lone fish swimming in a different pond.

Add to that the fact that what feedback and interaction I do get at conference (and before and after) is generally dealing with problems, complaints, unhappy people and challenges. The "thank yous" are few and far between and the work I do with contracts and details and AV and such is generally not what people think of when they think of attending a conference. The fact that my work goes un-noticed is probably a good thing. What people remember from a conference is the woo woo feel-good of the speakers and their "like-minded" colleagues. No one else needs to know how the speakers actually got there or the work behind getting those continuing education credits. If things run smoothly, no one has to think about it; if there is a glitch, I will likely be the first one to hear about it.

So, it's over for a couple months until we head to Denmark. I'm trying to catch up with my kids and enjoy some grand laughs and visits with friends. It is good to tell stories and converse and find out what has been going on in the outside world. It helps to get things back into perspective. I am a person who likes to leave work at work and conference time makes that impossible. Meanwhile, there are so many fabulous gifts from the universe to enjoy--people, pleasures, possibilities...it's time to recycle the "old" experience with the conference paper and try to get re-grounded in what really matters.

New Beginnings...

There's just no explaining some things...how you just know that the seasons are changing, the feeling you get when something is about to happen, or the constant shifting of emotions and personal philosophy. We can try and try to come up with lists and steadfast ideology for how things "should" be, but when things start to change or shift OR when we are on the verge of changes and new beginnings--no amount of ego or logic can control which way the wind blows.

I can be hard-pressed to explain exactly why I like someone easily or find it a bit more challenging to focus on the humanity beneath the exterior masks. It can be just as tough to explain why my feelings suddenly change. I truly believe that we are all absolutely perfect and we are evolving into the individuals we are meant to be so who am I to judge? But, at the same time, there really are those soul mates and friends and loved ones with whom we "connect" and those with whom it never moves beyond acquaintances or friends or whatever. I cannot explain WHY or WHAT, I just have to go along with the feelings and intuition.

So, spring promises a fresh look at things and my life has certainly been a ball of movement and evolution lately. A friend recently commented on her observations over some late night decaf coffee--which was quite validating. I was starting to think I was in some sort of kooky vortex of social energy and expansion and I was the only one who could see it! So, I'm letting my intuition guide me--it seems to be the most trusted voice to lead me through the kooky forest of swirling stuff--staying open and vulnerable, taking risks, and honoring the process seem to be good moves. At the same time, I have absolute understanding and compassion for all my fellow travelers. Spring brings some great new growth, new energy, fresh air and new beginnings and I'm feeling so blessed to be participating in all of it!