Evolution & Liberation

It was time...it IS time--I had very good reasons for cutting off all my hair although my kids were a little worried that my drastic urge meant I was slipping into crazy-land. My closest friends understood, however, that it was EXACTLY what needed to happen.

The past few years of my life have been fraught with very typical, yet very challenging changes as I move obviously into the middle part of my life. (At least I think it is the middle part, who knows really?) The deaths of my two beloved grandfathers in the past few months, as well as launching kids, a big breakup, attempts at dating, job and career changes and all those other ordinary adventures--all within a few years--have really been a period of growth and expansion for me. Of course that doesn't mean it's been easy!

In some cultures, cutting off the hair is a way of grieving; it can also be used as a way of initiating a person into a new period of life--people cut off all their hair to show solidarity, join orders and communities and well, that is exactly how it felt for me. I'm initiating myself into a new period of my life. I am NOT concerned with fitting any external expectations of how I need to look, perform, or act. I am NOT the slightest bit interested in trying to fulfill leftover projections from my childhood or trying to prove to the world that I am NOT what they would like me to be. It was the perfect time to cut off almost all my hair...

I have wrestled with "inside/outside" stuff for a big chunk of my life--trying to fight the assumptions and projections that other people have based on how I look or should look on the outside and get the real "inside" person out into the light of day. Again, I am not particularly unique; a great many of us go through this to various degrees. In my case, my "looks" can sometimes be a problem for me--not because of how I feel about myself but because of the things other people say; assumptions they make; comments they might say, etc. I have no real desire to be pretty, attractive, "hot" or any such nonsense--my goal is to be authentic, compassionate, open, vulnerable, and loving. Mostly I want to be a full, complicated, flawed human who can go into deep and ambiguous places. Recently, my HAIR was getting in the way!

Of course, my hair wasn't literally getting in the way, but as a societal symbol it was. I have had people tell me that they were attracted to me because of my hair, one person confessed she felt like she could come and talk to me at a meeting because "my hair looked warm and inviting" (yeah, I don't know what that was about) and I have had people tell me I didn't "look like a lesbian" or question whether I was capable of things because of how I looked. Losing over 65 pounds has not helped matters (but there's nothing I can do about that--I'm still going to work on the weight stuff for my health.) I needed to strip away some of that external stuff and invite the world to get past it as well.

Of course I can't control what other people do or say, but I can continue working NOT to fall into the trap. I am NOT interested in fulfilling any leftover expectations from my childhood or presenting myself in a way that some "other" has deemed desirable. I AM happy to invite people into my world who can see beyond the outside packaging and who don't even really care. Let's get down to what really matters, we have such a short time on this earth. In many cultures, cutting off the hair is an important part of grieving. It is also used as a means of initiation--the hair is shorn prior to entering religious orders, certain jobs, and communities. It definitely feels as though I am initiating myself into a new era of my life. It was definitely time to cut off almost my hair.