Waterlogged and Wading

Rain, rain go away... We have been having so much rain lately that it is starting to take its toll on the spirits of the natives. I am seldom one to complain about the weather and as long as it keeps changing, I am normally fine. Unfortunately, other than a peek or two of the sun now and again, it has been in the 50's and raining...a lot!

I ride my bike to and from work regardless of the weather, but I've noticed that Teri and I are less likely to go out and do things if we know we are going to get cold and wet. Our activity level has dwindled a bit due to the weather and neither one of us is very happy about that. We are moody and feeling closed up and claustrophobic. Even the garden isn't providing much fun since it is just too wet and grey to get out and play around. The transplanted tomatoes, pumpkins, etc. are just sitting and waiting for a bit of warmth and sun just like the rest of us! The only happy creatures seem to be the slugs and snails who are happily munching away in the wet.

So, I am not alone in whining for summer. It would be lovely to spend some extended time soaking up the sun, feel a little warmth on my face and be able to watch some of the veggies and flowers grow in the garden. Heck, it would be nice to just take a bicycle ride without having to gear up and prepare for the showers and puddles! As Memorial Day approaches, it does not look as though we are going to see our share of the sunshine any time soon. Grumble, grumble, grumble...

My current work calls upon me to be even more politically aware than I’ve had to be in the past. As a matter of fact, I am expected to bring my opinions, viewpoints and experiences as a lesbian woman, mother, and educated female into the sensibility that guides my work. While I feel energized and inspired, there is also a discomfort—every day I read, listen, and experience more and more of the politics of inequality, racism, classism, bigotry, hate, homophobia, militarism and more; every day I am asked to take a stand, form an opinion and advocate for those who might not have a voice. I thought I was “militantly out” before but I am beginning to realize that we all have access to the responsibility to choose to take care of each other, but there are few of us who actually learn how to do that.

I have not learned how to do that yet but I am trying. Some days I get outraged, riled up and horrified at the hateful and ignorant things that humans do to other humans. Other days, I feel inspired by acts of advocacy, love, and compassion. On other days, I feel that I just can’t hear another sad story, homophobic comment, racist slur or ignorant diatribe. I am finding that I do have a capacity and that there are days when I am more vulnerable and emotional—not always the best days for progressive advocacy.

I am still learning to give myself permission to be a person at work—that means that I can be annoyed, short-tempered, tired, overwhelmed and occasionally unprofessional. I can be both rigid and flexible; I can be a taskmaster and I can also be someone who just lets things go. Some days, all I can manage is to just make a list of all the things I SHOULD do. Other days, I can accomplish an amazing amount and find myself thinking how studly I would be if I could just be THAT productive EVERY day.

I try to also remind myself that all those bigots, conservatives and right-wing zealots are human people too. They might not realize the extent of pain and suffering (including death, illness, and horror) that is being perpetrated by hateful and ignorant acts of discrimination and narrow-mindedness. I can only imagine what would make a person want to destroy the life of another person or an entire population of people so I try to remain open—sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

Today, I spent the morning out at an alternative high school in Springfield, attending a GLAD day event. I mentored a young man who did a workshop on racism and then I participated as part of a panel talking about “What does family look like?” I experienced a range of feelings during the several hours—I was impressed, inspired, uncomfortable, nervous and proud. I don't mind speaking in front of groups, but I also really enjoyed just being a "fly on the wall" and lending silent support as the kids conducted workshops and talked about the things THEY wanted to talk about. We are talking about things that I never really had the opportunity to talk about when I was in school and in very unfiltered ways.

My elation at participating, however, was dampened on the commute back to work when I read the news report about the young gay couple sentenced to 14 years of hard labor in prison in Malawi (Southern Africa) simply because they became engaged. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37248649/ns/world_news-africa/ I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, horror and anger. My little part just doesn't seem to be nearly enough...

Weekend Explorations...

This past weekend, Teri and I decided to head North to Scappoose to check out an Bed & Breakfast Inn that we are considering as a possible location for our ceremony in 2011. We invited two of our daughters, the twenty year-olds Lucy and Leah to go along with us. We have had the trip planned for several weeks and, alas, I came down with a killer cold a day before we left and, yes, it definitely affected my ability to play and relate throughout the weekend!

So much came out of the weekend: a chance for the girls to get to know each other better, opportunities to see different parts of the state including Seaside, Scappoose, Tillamook, etc., and continued explorations for Teri and I in how we relate to each other. Debriefing after the three-day whirlwind, we realized that while we are both in our mid-forties and we have both been moms, partners, etc. for a long time, we are not "old and seasoned" in our relationship. That is still quite new and evolving. We are still learning how to communicate, deal with various situations, and we are still unveiling various sides of ourselves as we get to know each other. We are definitely NOT a seasoned couple who can finish each other's sentences, read each other's minds and anticipate what might be going on. To be honest, I don't know if either of us wants to get to that place. What we do know is that we are committed to the process and we reminded ourselves this past weekend that we do need to be gentle with that process.

We are still learning; it is NOT always a blooming bed of roses--sometimes there is rain, compost and other little pesky realities that go into growing a healthy rose bush. We might be "old" ladies but we are a "young" couple/partnership and we are definitely continuing in the explorations of getting to know each other. Fortunately, life is cooperating just fine in giving us plenty of opportunities to continue exploring...

In The Garden...

The garden is evolving, despite the fact that it is all relatively new. Where there was nothing but moss and mud, there are now a half dozen vegetable beds full of all sorts of things: worms, plants, insects, food...

I would spend more time in the yard if I could get away with it. While I do not have the solitary, soul-feeding experience in this garden that I have had in other ones (I am seldom actually alone in the garden and I just don't have the time to spend hours working in the yard at this point in my life), I am finding that getting my fingers muddy and watching things grow is something I have missed.

I do love wandering out into the garden with my harvesting basket and gathering up a meal's worth of food and I am enjoying sharing the garden with Teri. It is quite new for me to have someone who is interested in weeding, planting and keeping up with what is going on out there in the beds. It is pretty typical for both of us to take visitors and guests out on a "tour" of the burgeoning beds.

So, as we fight with the dogs and cats and try to keep them out of the garden beds, and as we negotiate around a very unpredictable onslaught of weather (do we cover the peppers? plant the peppers? let them alone for the night?), and as we share various philosophies around what should and shouldn't be grown and HOW it should or shouldn't be grown, the garden evolves. The worms are multiplying in the compost heap, the ladybugs are finding their way to the plants and a spring season unfolds in a brand new garden...