A Visit to Indiana...

As I write, I am sitting in my dear old friend Wendy's living room, surrounded by three dogs and the Becher family. Wendy and I met at a play date in the park when all five of our children were preschoolers and have stayed the best and closest of pals over nearly fifteen years, thousands of miles and myriad changes. All of our children are nearly grown--or on the edge of adulthood and we are both solidly in middle age now. Amazing.

Our lives have changed, our homes have changed, our families have changed and yet there are so many things that seem to have not changed at all. It has been decades since we tried to carve out a coherent conversation amidst diaper changes, arguments over toys, peanut butter sandwiches and carpools. We have shared memories and hundreds of ones that we have experienced separately and it delights me to find the two of us talking, laughing and wandering with the sincerest of connections.

While I am here in Indiana, I still feel very connected to "back home" too--my girl, my kids, my friends and all the other pieces of connection that make up a life. It is a blessing to be able to stretch across the miles and across the years and truly appreciate the surprising comforts that life serves up.

My Dad's Death...

It came the way it sometimes does--as a phone call. My phone was vibrating while I was sitting in a movie at The Bijou with my girlfriend Teri and my son, Stuart. As we walked out of the theater, I listened to the message from my mother and she needed an immediate return call.

My Dad was only 66 years old and while it wasn't an absolute shocking surprise, it was sudden and unexpected. We will never know exactly what happened and we are all okay with that. It was one of his very strong wishes not to be subject to an autopsy.

Teri and I got to the moutainside and my parents home on Thursday morning, honoring my Mother's request to have the night to herself. The past week has been heavy, intense, and at times silly, funny and slow. We have run the gamut of emotions and with the arrival of my sister (who lives in Brooklyn, NY) and my brother and his family, we all rallied to try to do the best we possibly could to help Mom and the rest of us move through those initial days.

I have only begun to think about grieving. There has been so much to do. I woke up in my own town this morning and felt the immediate pang and need to check on the folks back at my parents' home. The only thing I do know is that the death of a parent changes everything--I have been so lucky to have lived as long as I have with both my parents (up until a year ago, I could also claim to have all my grandparents as well.) Three deaths of close relatives--both my grandfathers and my dad--in fourteen months has been almost inconceivable. However, I know I am still fortunate and that I felt incredibly blessed to be surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones as we all started to wrap our heads around a world without Ron Rodley...

The Grand Adventure...

My "stuff" is currently tucked away in a 10 by 10 storage unit; the keys have been handed over to the townhouse that has been home for nearly five years and all three children are launched out into the world and away from "mother's nest." It is a huge change and a huge transition and I am still not sure what I think or feel about it all!

There are moments of bubbling excitement when I find myself working away on the creative opportunities presenting themselves. There is also optimism as I do the house-hunting and explore different neighborhoods around town. There is also a pleasant reassurance when I consider how many friends I have had helping me and how supportive the universe is being.

As I learn how to connect and reach out to my kids in different ways and how to identify myself as a woman who is not solely mother and breadwinner, I am a bit ambivalent. It has been decades of being family and home-focused and now I have to figure out what the new order is going to be like. Where will I put my energy? Who will I choose to "hang with"? How will I structure my days, nights, career, etc.? It is somewhat shocking to realize that my life is my own again and while I am still very connected to my kids and want to be available and involved--I have to do it on different terms. I know intellectually that this is an opportunity for reinvention and reinvigoration--but I am still feeling my way along the launching of this new adventure...

Heading into Fall and the Adventuresome Move and Launching

A recent trip to the blustery Oregon coast reminded me that there is no going back to those warm, easy days of summer! In fact, the blustery, breezy and cool drama of this October weather seems well-suited to the changes in my life on a larger scale.

I am currently putting furniture and boxes in storage, and sending the two remaining kids at home off to grander living adventures, as well as looking for new homes for my three cats. Everything is changing and I am in the midst of transition in a big way. I don't know where I will land or if the landing is even part of the adventure!

Stuff in storage, a new Post Office box for a mailing address, a cellular phone and I am probably the most "un-rooted" I have ever been. With no "classic" job to tie me to a specific location, I have possibilities and while I am incredibly unsettled, it feels absolutely great (a little nerve-wracking, but great.) Life has a tendency of pushing and pulling us toward our destiny, no matter how determined we may be to try to make our existence fit into a societally-sanctioned box.

It has been so amazingly cool seeing who has stepped forward to help with boxes or moving or taking stuff off my hands or just providing moral support. It has also been an incredible process for me getting comfortable asking for help and figuring out where that help is likely to come from.

One phase of my life is definitely ending--my children are raised and my days of being the hard-working single mother are over. It feels like while this new phase is still being revealed to me, and my kids' lives are definitely on the launching pad, we are all in for the excitement of the adventuresome unveiling. I am so into it...

Woman in Motion...

There is a lot going on--house hunting, packing, sorting, purging. My life is amazing and full and in magnificent creative flux. That does not mean that it is particularly easy! Meanwhile, I have been feeling particularly fortunate for all the friends and pals swimming in my life. There is a constant flow of housing suggestions, offers of help and just general, warm support. I am soaking up all the well-wishes and feeling anything but alone as I navigate some pretty fantastic changes. My girlfriend Tiger calls this "tribe" my "Rescue Aid Society" since I have become quite comfortable calling out for help, asking for assistance or company, and just generally letting people in on what is going on with my life. I have found that I finally have what feels like a family of people whom I genuinely enjoy and trust and am willing to let in. So, as I am moving around in a whirlwind swirl of change and transition, I am so grateful for the comrades I feel are solidly in my corner!

An Opportunity for Reinvention

I have been stretched, pulled and upended lately and life has turned itself inside out in some pretty creative ways. All I know is that I have been determined to stay absolutely present and feel my way through every bit of it...

Strangely enough, through it all I feel so incredibly lucky. The lessons are intense--taking a job I didn't really want because it was the societally "correct" thing to do; letting go of adult children and an old way of mothering; allowing new intimacies and friendships to come into my inner world; living life on a completely different level than I ever have before...

My world feels huge and sheltering all the while the conventional realities like housing, money, family, etc. are precarious. I am literally flying by the seat of my pants and breathing through the stress of the unknown. Somehow, when I look in the mirror however, I am delighted to see the shining, loving eyes looking back.

The Universe has sent me some amazing friends and mentors in the past year or so--women who have survived, reinvented themselves and let themselves both reach out and tune in to who they truly are. I feel inspired. I also realize that we are all in this together and love the fact that I can let myself get open and vulnerable and feel so much support and encouragement coming back. I am so NOT falling apart but it is great to be able to say, "hey, I'm in this thing and I need a little help!" and have a whole village of people who will step in with a laugh, lunch, or walk.

I think we are all constantly evolving and growing in little ways but sometimes life asks us to really let go, stretch beyond our comfort zone and use what we have learned in the little leaps. Nothing feels familiar right now and yet I don't think I have ever felt more securely in tune with who I am. Strange this process of aging!

This is an opportunity for me to completely let go of the last forty-plus years of roles and misfitting expectations; this is an opportunity for me to really be intentional about who and what I let into my life and to embrace a creative and unique existance in a complete way. I love my friends that have become clan and finally feel that I am finding my way home...

Getting Back in a Groove

I would love to be able to say "Getting back in THE Groove" but that is not really what is going down. My life has been an upended whirlwind lately. The more control I have tried to exert, the more I have had to let go and admit that I am a passenger at this point--I am not driving the bus.

I have had good intentions, tried to be a mature grown-up and just generally spent the first half of the year doing everything I thought I should be doing. Now that I am in the second half of the year and sliding toward the end, I can honestly confess that I have no idea where I am heading nor can I give a terribly accurate account of what has happened.

What I do know? I am running out of money, not sure what else I can do to raise funds, living without a traditional job (having attempted the very structured 80-hour-a-week government job somewhere around mid-summer that didn't exactly work out; meanwhile, I am falling in love, feeling amazingly healthy and happy, vacillating between worry, trepidation and elation. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, where I will be living, or who might show up in my life next. It is not that I feel like a victim, although there are definitely forces moving that I don't understand. It is more that I just don't know what is going on or what I should be doing to stop, steer or encourage so I am trying to just stay present and trust that somewhere, somehow, the universe is going to take care of me and all will eventually be revealed...