Birthdays...

We have birthdays upcoming--both Tiger and myself. It is actually kind of fun to know that our birthdays are so close together and I think we actually have some fun with the fact that we are both Aquarius babes--even if we tend to manifest the sign in different ways. Teri, of course, being a twin is quite used to sharing her birthday. I, being an ego-maniac at times, am not. I don't think she is the type to make quite the same level of birthday fuss that I make so perhaps she isn't exactly thrilled that I have sucked her into my birthday frenzy...

Forty-three...it just sounds like a number really as I don't particularly feel much different than I did last year or ten years ago. Really the only difference I can notice other than the physical obviousness of aging (which is really a grand adventure for me to watch and experience how things shift and change) is that I feel more comfortably and more solidly myself. I just feel fine in my own skin and that just seems to get better and better with age.

So, bring on the cake and ice cream! Bring on the celebrations! I am looking forward to singing "Happy Birthday" to Tiger for the second time (her last birthday I had only known her for a week and I instigated a rousing group singing of "Happy Birthday" to her at her second-only Saturday morning lesbian coffee. This year, however, she may get the rendition in full operatic force --Yay!

We winter birthdays...close on the tail end of the Christmas holidays and squozen in so close to Valentine's Day--tend to get lost in the snow and storms. I am determined to play a little, celebrate a little, and enjoy the first of what I intend to be MANY shared birthdays with the Tiger...

Intention...

I am not particularly young...in a couple weeks I will be welcoming my 43rd birthday. When I look at pictures or look at myself in the mirror sometimes it seems the reflection is exactly what I expecting at other times I look older or younger than I am imagining myself to be. Regardless of what the mirror image shows, the truth is that I have bumbled and stumbled through 43 years of living...

I know myself better now--much of the time I know why I am reacting to things the way I am; I recognize triggers and patterns and all those "acts of living" that person my age OUGHT to recognize, but this doesn't mean that I sail through every day without a smidge of moodiness or any rough patches. In fact, after 43 years, there are a hell of a lot of triggers to sift through on a daily basis!

Cohabitation is a gift; my growing relationships are a gift; and most definitely the connection I have with Tiger is a gift--but this doesn't mean that any of things come easy all the time. SOME of the time, they are incredibly easy--there are days when I am chatting with my nearly 20-year-old daughter and we have the smoothest of conversations and I think, "Man, this is getting so easy!" There are other days when I am not sure why we are misunderstanding each other. In many ways, falling in love at this age has been the easiest adventure ever--I took my time to choose someone I respect and adore; we communicate well and have some really strong, shared values and similar life experiences to draw on. In other ways, the intention that is required to sculpt together a combined century of experiences can be overwhelmingly challenging. I have never been one to gloss over the stumbles of realities so I am not afraid to say that there are moments when I have abolutely no idea what I am doing.

I know myself most days and I feel that I face each day and each choice with a level of intention I didn't have when I was younger. There are still times when I am not really sure WHY I am reacting to things the way I am. I still have no idea where I am going and I try not to pay much attention to wondering where I will end up (we all end up in the same circumstance at the end anyway right?)What I do know at this age is that I am constantly making choices--every day is a choice; my relationships are a choice; the work I do is a choice; to give and receive love, understanding and affection is a choice. I know that at this juncture, I am living my life with intention...

Creating Hope...

It is hard to ignore the expressions of loss, fear and deprivation that I have been hearing from friends lately. It is hard to ignore my own feelings of "lack" that have been gnawing and churning for the past few months. What a time we live in! For myself, there has been so much focus on simply taking care of the most basic needs--providing shelter, making sure my kids are safe, and trying to shake some of the precariousness of the past year--that I haven't felt I could put any energy into creative endeavors. Even the writing that I have been doing in the past couple months has been purely hack work--writing for pay with little thought on truly being creative.

There is a hopefulness that is required in the act of creation. We invest something in the future when we strive to create--whether it is in art, a craft project, or as I am finding--in gardening. I have entered the new year wanting to unblock all the realities of life that are keeping me from exploring more of my creative self. It is easier said or expressed than done, however. I am not feeling any more secure in terms of finances and it can be tough to justify creative endeavors when a gal wonders if she shouldn't be focusing on more practical issues!

There have been some glitches and obstacles and it can seem easier just to assume those are "signs" or reasons NOT to express one's creative urges. Why is it we think that the things that matter should be easy and obstacle-free? I am forcing myself to put shovel into the dirt; forcing myself to focus on creating something where it didn't exist before; forcing myself to use my hands and my head for acts of creation instead of merely staying afloat and meeting the survival struggles of each day. It may seem a luxury at times, but I realize it is also an act of hope. My creative efforts mean that I am fostering hope that the future is going to be better than today...

2010...

Well, here I am on the first Monday of the new year. Grey skies, quiet house, a list of little housekeeping tasks to take care of and I cannot help but feel as though I am waiting for a sign of what the upcoming stretch of twelve months might bring.

I count my blessings, hope for the best, try to face challenges and lessons head on, and still, there is no way NOT to be affected by the time and place in which I live. There is uncertainty in the air--a clenching and fears of loss and deprivation that I feel from almost everyone I come in contact with. I try to access feelings of peace and strength and find that it is harder in times of uncertainty. Sometimes, a person just has to ride things out and lay a little bit low.

Meanwhile, I try to bring myself back to thinking good, warm thoughts for everyone. I breathe into the difficulties and personality conflicts; try to acknowledge the fear that lies behind some of the challenges and hope that there will be more abundance, love and peace in 2010...

Christmas 2009

I was looking at photos from last Christmas (2008) and realized that things have changed so much in twelve short months. Lucy is now in her own apartment, Lilly and Stu have new living arrangements and Tiger and I are in our new house too. This doesn't even begin to touch on the changes in school, jobs, deaths, etc. that have gone down in a matter of months. Whew! No wonder we have all been a little off kilter.

I could not help but feel incredibly blessed and lucky amidst all the exhaustion this Christmas. So much living really--love, loss, laughter...the inspiration for me comes from all of the amazing people in my life who encourage me to just keep going: nothing particularly glamorous, just every day, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other living. Sometimes that is all we really have to focus on.

As we packed away the boxes of decorations and dishes and trees today, I couldn't help but feel somewhat accomplished in the fact that Tiger and I had moved in to our new house and managed to pull off a pretty decent Christmas celebration as well. Our house was cozy and gorgeous, there were gifts under the tree, and we got to spend Christmas Eve and morning in a beautiful, comfortable country house with kids and family. Very nice and a pretty decent accomplishment for two women who have been through what we have in the past several months.

I am looking forward to the future and taking the next few days to contemplate on what the coming year might bring and where I need to put my energy. Meanwhile, I feel good about how Christmas 2009 went down and quite content to tuck it away in the memory vault and photo albums. Once again, it is time for new beginnings...

Settling into the Willow Avenue House

It has been about two weeks since I stepped off the plane from my visit to Indiana and joined Tiger in moving into our new shared house on Willow Avenue. I have to remind myself that it has only been two weeks because with the bustle of moving, coming home from our respective trips, and wrestling with the holidays--time has become a bit of a blur.

We expect a great deal from ourselves and, of course, want the little house to feel homey and comfortable and give a sense of feeling a little settled after a really tumultuous year. We want to make room for us as a couple, make room for our own individual selves and endeavors, make sure that all our kids feel comfortable coming by and hanging out and provide a welcoming space for all our friends and the hostessing we both like to do. That is a rather tall order for a sweet little bungalow and two already-stressed women!

Meanwhile, there is still work and job hunting and fundraising that needs to get done. Christmas that needs to be planned for and such, and all the details of tending to a young relationship. We are settling in but it is a process. Trying to remember to be gentle with each other and ourselves, negotiating and celebrating all the little pieces that are involved in making a home and building a new version of life...

Gratefulness

It is customary to count one's blessing on Thanksgiving day and to take stock in all the abundance and gifts that are swirling about. As most of you know, this has been a particularly challenging and tumultuous year for me, but I cannot help but feel incredibly grateful and thankful today...

How lucky am I to be spending Thanksgiving at the Becher's in Brownsburg, Indiana with my dear old friend Wendy! They have all been so amazingly welcoming and warm and open-hearted that I feel blessed to have such dear friends and be able to experience a heartland holiday once again. This has been a lot of fun and a place where I can be my unglamorous self and have limitless laughs in the process. It is special and healing and I truly appreciate this visit.

My girl and my kids are scattered across the country. I am glad that Tiger is able to spend the holiday with her family and I know how much she was looking forward to spending time with her daughter, her sister, her mom and other family members--not to mention getting to satisfy that craving for some East Coast pizza. As much as I miss her, I know that she is right where she needs to be on this particular holiday and I know she feels great about her adventure. One of the most delicious gifts of this past year has been the arrival of this woman in my life and it has taken us nearly an entire year to get where we are. Amidst all the changes and twists and turns and loss of 2009, the building and growing of our relationship is one of the elements I am most grateful for. As we move our "stuff" across the threshold of our new home together next week, I know I will be shaking my head at how we got from "My name is..." to a shared lease!

Those three fabulous young adults that are my kids are more abundance and thankfulness for me. I love how capable, interesting and evolving they are and I appreciate how loving they have been in letting me take this trip to Indiana for a holiday that we customarily spend together. I miss them, but I have talked to all of them repeatedly and I know that they are making room for a different holiday with their dad's family and it will be great. I am so grateful to have these three unique and special people in my life that I thank the universe for them at every turn.

Reconnecting with my family and getting through my own dad's passing and funeral, meeting new people and making new friends, and all the work that has been a part of my past year are all other things I feel gratitude for. I appreciate that I do feel so connected to the world and that my world continues to get larger and I appreciate that I can help and be helped and know that all this trial and tribulation is temporary. With all the loss of the past year and all the drastic changes, I value focusing on all the gains and abundant surprises that have come into my life as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!