Update on the Triple A's...

Here is Lilly on the beach in San Diego--she sent me this photo taken with her cell phone just to let me know she was alright. We have had several conversations and a few e-mails and Face Book postings--it's not the same as being in the same house--but I'm adjusting...

Two months have passed since the start of 2009 and my declaration that I was making this the Year of Activism, Activity and Appreciation. While I had no idea exactly how it would play out--and I still don't--it is still my focus.

Last week, I was fortunate enough to be part of a panel of LGBTQ folks for two Human Sexuality courses at our local community college. I was honored to be asked and had such a fabulous time talking with the students. I was also eager to share my participation with my regular sphere of influence so it seemed to multiply the benefits of the activity. Me fellow panelists were fabulous and put me instantly at ease and while it was my first time being part of such an activity, I would definitely do it again in a heartbeat.

I'm starting to get the hang of being busy with community commitments again. I have to say that I have so been enjoying meeting so many amazing new people and seeing how quickly connections can be made and multiplied. Again, I feel so incredibly fortunate to be able to move around in the world and as I remind myself to be open and say "yes"--the activism and activity opportunities just follow.

What surprises me most, however, is the warmth and expansion that comes with the third "A"--appreciation. In the midst of kids moving out, friends going through very tough transitions, a challenging economy and myriad other struggles and trials, I still find I am feeling so grateful and appreciative of being able to live life so fully. Strangely enough, the more that goes down, the more appreciative I feel. By reminding myself to focus on feeling thankful, I find continual opportunities in the course of a day to give a nod or smile of appreciation for all these grand adventures!

Launching...

This is a photo of my amazing kids taken probably 13 years or so ago. Stuart, Lilly and Lucy--all dressed up for Easter (my favorite holiday). I am absolutely devoted to my kids even though as of Friday, only one remains at home...

My oldest daughter, Lucy, will be 19 in less than 2 months and she is deeply entrenched in college life as a Biochemistry major at the University of Oregon. As of Friday, my second daughter, Lilly, is now living in San Diego and stretching her wings big-time with a grand move and all the optimism in the world. While I am absolutely prepared for these launching years, I am also absolutely NOT READY!

It helps to know that I am not alone and I have been blessed with much support and understanding from other moms who have been through the launching and others who are exactly where I am--in the midst of it. It also helps that I can remember very clearly (as if it was just last week) what it was like to be 17, 18, 19 and eager to break away and get out in the world and experience things on my own. Still, I'm the mom now and after working to keep everyone healthy, safe and thriving for almost 2 decades--it is very strange to wander an almost-empty house and be packing up all belongings to send along with departing children.

I know that I have done my job--they are supposed to be ready to take on the world; I also want them to know how supportive I am and that I will stand behind/beside them whether they sink, swim or sail! It isn't about what they do really, it is about the journey anyway. Still, there are plenty of tears on my part and I find myself starting to weep at the most unpredictable moments. It is sort-of like a break-up, only even more painful! Plus, one doesn't get a complete break from the other person--there are still those "miss you" phone calls and requests for favorite recipes, forgotten movies, money and such. It isn't as clean as a break-up and while a parent has to "let go" in some ways, it is impossible for us to completely let go!

I don't get to choose what they do or where they go, AND, I am fortunate to have a very full life with plenty of friends, activities, work and projects--but I don't know if that really makes it any easier or not. I know we are connected and we remain connected but it absolutely has to change--that is how it is supposed to be. Still...

Meanwhile, my son has the run of the house all to himself and I know he is very focused on finishing up his G.E.D. so he can take on the world in his own way too. My maternal emotions tell me to hang on and try to keep the last chick in the nest, but my instinct and overwhelming love for my kids tells me to encourage and support his growing independence too. Of course, I will savor whatever months I have left with him at home and of course, should one (or more) of those chicks need to climb back into the nest for a while I will be completely welcoming--but I understand that the launching years are about my NOT getting in the way of their flight and managing all my maternal emotions in a way that doesn't interfere with the intended process. As my mother said when I told her about Lilly's departure: "I'm so sad for you but I'm very happy for her." And, that is how it supposed to be...

Valentine's Day...

Like many people, I have had a complicated relationship with Valentine's Day over the years. If you would have asked me 10 years ago (or even 5 or 6) how I felt about it, I would definitely be in the grumbling group. As the years have passed, however, and my understanding of love and connection has evolved, I'm okay with Valentine's Day. It isn't about romance and chocolates for me, but I'm okay with it...

I have been noticing lately all the scowling and terse lips when the day of wine and roses is mentioned and I feel compassion for all those people who feel as though they have been overlooked and excluded by a hyped-up day. I understand, I really do, but I also think that there is great potential in a day dedicated to celebrations of love.

The "trick"--I think--is to expand one's interpretation of love--it really does come from everywhere. It is not just about that longed-for, idealized, eternal partner relationship--love can come from every possible direction! Love is in the tiny details and the grand, sweeping efforts too. The really delightful realization was learning that all one has to do is open up and feel it; invite it in; and before one knows it, she is swimming in the love she shares and feels. So, yeah, Valentine's Day--I'm totally single and completely unattached on one hand, and yet I feel so connected and attached on the other hand. So bring on those hearts and flowers and chocolate--I think I'll send myself a Valentine this year...

Pleasures, Happiness and Celebrations...

Give me books, fruit, French wine and fine weather and a little music out of doors, played by someone I do not know. I admire lolling on a lawn by a water-lilied pond to eat white currants and see goldfish: and go to the fair in the evening if I'm good. There is not hope for that --one is sure to get into some mess before evening.

John Keats

My birthday has come and gone and I feel such appreciation for all the people who got involved and helped to celebrate. I am quite fond of mixing together people from different parts of my life and sitting back and enjoying the interactions. Can a person really have too much visiting, pleasure, and happiness? Can there really be too many celebrations? I think not!

42 feels fabulous; but it is just a number--just a little way of commemorating the passing of time. Life has been on a steady expansion lately; steady changes and I'm fine with that. I'm not always sure what I'm doing or which direction I'm facing, but I'm okay with that too. It all feels like various ways of celebrating life and that feels perfect!

To me, February is all about pleasure--birthday, Valentine's Day, getting geared up for Spring and watching for the first signs of warmer days. Of course, as I write this, it is quite cold outside and we've even had a few snow flurries this morning! It's nice to feel open, vulnerable and focused on love and happiness. I cannot help but feel gratitude for all the wonderful people that have been moving in and around my life lately. What a treat!

(Thanks to Meli Ewing for the photos from my Radical Red Birthday Bash!)

So...This is 42...

While I am still celebrating my birthday with a party planned for this afternoon, the "day" has officially come and gone and now, I am officially 42. What a trip, I have to say! It is strange to confess that I have never felt better, nor have I been operating with so few expectations. As yesterday unfolded, I was in such a state of being present, such a state of appreciation that it seemed no matter what happened, it would have been perfect! Who knew?

Life is amazing--all of it--and with each year that passes, I feel more and more appreciation for this brief and wondrous ride that is living. The constant changes, the constant surprises and the constant love are impossible to ignore. I have absolutely no idea what the next twelve months will bring (or the next twelve minutes or twelve hours, for that matter)--and that's just the way I like it!

But, thanks are definitely in order to all those people who wished me well, sang lovely renditions of birthday songs, sent me cards and flowers (so many beautiful flowers this year!) and have opened themselves to sharing my turning another year older--the fun for me is in all the sharing!

Friends, Friendship, Exes, Love, Forgiveness and Letting Go...

Well, yes, I know that I have bitten off quite a large chunk here today but it seems to be the overwhelming heavy thoughts moving around in my world right now. In a lot of respects, I have been incredibly blessed and I generally feel quite connected in this fast-paced, changing world. There are people whom I consider my friends scattered all over the world and I know that while some are closer than others, at any moment in time--someone who is a "barely friend" can become someone whom I know better and adore even more. The same happens in reverse, however, when people who have been incredibly important and integral for a certain period, move to the "outside" and lose their influence on our lives. The connections move both ways as they tighten and losen with time, events and circumstances.

There have been people (and continue to be a few) for whom I would have sliced myself open from neck to navel at one period in my life who have become simply names on my Christmas card list. How strange this constant fluidity is! There are days when I feel lucky to be a part of the flow and others where I am not exactly sure I have been on the up side of luck at all.

Sometimes, friends become loves and very rarely, it is possible for old loves to become good friends. Sometimes, however, they just become exes and that seems to be the sanest, most natural thing to allow to happen. The failings are too intense, the individuals have changed too much, or the disappointments from the relationship are too acute to mend. Unlike many lesbians, I do not adhere to the philosophy that we have to stay friends with all of our exes. Sometimes, the best thing to do is just to cut the losses and move on.

But regardless of where people are on all that flexible flow and movement, there has to be a reason for the connection--no matter how brief, how glorious, or how painful. There has to be a way to forgive the past and have compassion both for ourselves and for all those people who move in and out of our lives. I have had my heart completely lacerated three times in my life; three times I've been re-inaugurated into the intensity of failings, flailings and forgiveness. I don't know how many other roles I've played or how many hearts I have trampled but I know that regardless of which side of things one is on, it is still a trial. It hurts to be the one who is left and the one who is leaving and it aches to be the "third" in any triangles as well. There is love, loss, forgiveness and letting go from whatever direction one happens to be facing.

Anyone who knows me knows that at the ripe old age of 42, I still haven't experienced true, mutual, lasting love. To be honest, it might not be something that finds its way into my life this time around. This, of course, does not mean that my life has been loveless and I feel quite reassured that those three times I got my heart hatcheted, I was absolutely, completely, unquestionably in love (it just wasn't reciprocal.) When I talk to my kids and their friends about love, attachments and friendship, strangely enough, I feel fairly well-qualified. Perhaps I am not the picture of the stable, long-term relationship, but I've definitely jumped in with both feet and left it all on the court a time or three and I can see things from all angles. And, it hasn't stopped me from continuing to make connections, nurture friendships, let go of the past and try to stay open for new possibilities. What is hard, however, is knowing when it is time to simply walk away and let things lie as they fall; when is it time to stop flogging away on that dead horse? Personally, for me, it takes quite a bit for me to get to that point and I can really only think of one or two in my life where I have completely given up, walked away and know that no amount of salvaging could make things even the slightest bit cordial. In almost all other cases of connection, there is always something to be celebrated--no matter how small or how controversial.

What keeps me going, however, is the hope--the hope that there could still be someone out there meant for something mutual; that there are still amazing friends yet to make and that the world will continue to get smaller and smaller for me through years and years of connections. Meanwhile, there are these lessons...

Straddling the Edge of the Comfort Zone

I cannot lay claim to being "traditional." In fact, I fully acknowledge my Aquarian tendencies to be not only a bit non-traditional, but also sometimes eccentric, unpredictable and detached. Along with those character traits, however, I do have a strong vein of practicality and a desire for some of the basic comforts of home. I find myself lately spending most of my time straddling those two worlds. I am definitely pushing beyond what would be many people's comfort zone and I'm challenging myself to do new things, meet new people and try out different skills and such--but I don't want to be TOO uncomfortable!

I notice the same thing in other friends and acquaintances--they want to branch out and try new things or experience the world from a different perspective--but not to go so far as to lose all footing! Too much change and unfamiliar activities and people and we can feel incredibly disoriented. A little disorientation can be stimulating--too much can be disastrous!

I want to challenge and push myself and stretch my wings a bit and I probably have a higher tolerance for change, upheaval and the unfamiliar than some--however, I know that I have to take care of myself too. Especially NOW. I also have the self-awareness to have learned some of the places that I cannot go or some of the things that just don't work for me. Like so many areas of life, it all comes down to BALANCE...

Well, balance a little compassion...