Well, yes, I know that I have bitten off quite a large chunk here today but it seems to be the overwhelming heavy thoughts moving around in my world right now. In a lot of respects, I have been incredibly blessed and I generally feel quite connected in this fast-paced, changing world. There are people whom I consider my friends scattered all over the world and I know that while some are closer than others, at any moment in time--someone who is a "barely friend" can become someone whom I know better and adore even more. The same happens in reverse, however, when people who have been incredibly important and integral for a certain period, move to the "outside" and lose their influence on our lives. The connections move both ways as they tighten and losen with time, events and circumstances.There have been people (and continue to be a few) for whom I would have sliced myself open from neck to navel at one period in my life who have become simply names on my Christmas card list. How strange this constant fluidity is! There are days when I feel lucky to be a part of the flow and others where I am not exactly sure I have been on the up side of luck at all.
Sometimes, friends become loves and very rarely, it is possible for old loves to become good friends. Sometimes, however, they just become exes and that seems to be the sanest, most natural thing to allow to happen. The failings are too intense, the individuals have changed too much, or the disappointments from the relationship are too acute to mend. Unlike many lesbians, I do not adhere to the philosophy that we have to stay friends with all of our exes. Sometimes, the best thing to do is just to cut the losses and move on.
But regardless of where people are on all that flexible flow and movement, there has to be a reason for the connection--no matter how brief, how glorious, or how painful. There has to be a way to forgive the past and have compassion both for ourselves and for all those people who move in and out of our lives. I have had my heart completely lacerated three times in my life; three times I've been re-inaugurated into the intensity of failings, flailings and forgiveness. I don't know how many other roles I've played or how many hearts I have trampled but I know that regardless of which side of things one is on, it is still a trial. It hurts to be the one who is left and the one who is leaving and it aches to be the "third" in any triangles as well. There is love, loss, forgiveness and letting go from whatever direction one happens to be facing.
Anyone who knows me knows that at the ripe old age of 42, I still haven't experienced true, mutual, lasting love. To be honest, it might not be something that finds its way into my life this time around. This, of course, does not mean that my life has been loveless and I feel quite reassured that those three times I got my heart hatcheted, I was absolutely, completely, unquestionably in love (it just wasn't reciprocal.) When I talk to my kids and their friends about love, attachments and friendship, strangely enough, I feel fairly well-qualified. Perhaps I am not the picture of the stable, long-term relationship, but I've definitely jumped in with both feet and left it all on the court a time or three and I can see things from all angles. And, it hasn't stopped me from continuing to make connections, nurture friendships, let go of the past and try to stay open for new possibilities. What is hard, however, is knowing when it is time to simply walk away and let things lie as they fall; when is it time to stop flogging away on that dead horse? Personally, for me, it takes quite a bit for me to get to that point and I can really only think of one or two in my life where I have completely given up, walked away and know that no amount of salvaging could make things even the slightest bit cordial. In almost all other cases of connection, there is always something to be celebrated--no matter how small or how controversial.
What keeps me going, however, is the hope--the hope that there could still be someone out there meant for something mutual; that there are still amazing friends yet to make and that the world will continue to get smaller and smaller for me through years and years of connections. Meanwhile, there are these lessons...
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