A Dream World...

At the risk of sounding rather Jungian, we are a family that puts a lot of stock and interest in dreams. Rarely a day goes by that one of is NOT sharing the strange images or intriguing stories that unfold in our dreams. Lilly, particularly, rivals her mom in trying to figure out what sort of personal work is being done while she tries to sleep. That girl can have some pretty amazing and detailed, dramatic dreams!

Lately, my dreams have been especially vivid and memorable--lots of water and storms and blood and travel. I'm not sure what to make of it--some are stressful, while others are busy (those are the most exhausting dreams as far as I'm concerned--the busy ones where I just have tedious task after task to take care of--just like real life!) I'm wondering what the message or messages are and I cannot help but wish I was a little more savvy in the dream interpretation department so that I could figure out what I'm supposed to be focusing on! My two bedside dream image books are really getting a workout.

Meanwhile, with all the busy-ness of life and the strange public energy, it has not just been one challenge after another. In fact, there are some great emotional gifts that come with connections and the expansion of pushing myself to share more and be more present for those around me. A sweet friend sent me an e-mail the other day and ended it with "Happy Balancing!" which I SO appreciated--it was a little phrase of encouragement that can apply to so many elements. Maybe that's what all those wet and windy travel dreams are about?

Holding On...

I wrote the other day about the joys and challenges of being "busy" and after a rather busy weekend where things are still going un-done, I'm feeling more of the "challenges" than the joys. I'm wearing down a bit and while I understand that self-care is key, I am also feeling that the weariness is most likely temporary--I will get into the swing of things and adjust to the new pace. A good friend asked me the other day if I needed a personal secretary and I confess that for the brief few seconds when I thought about what she was saying, it seemed an incredibly savory thought. It's fine--I know that I just need to figure out a system that works and get the balance better and watch out for taking on more than I can handle. For now, however, I definitely feel as though I am holding on and trying to feel and structure my way while trying to remain available and accessible.

Meanwhile, yes, a personal secretary WOULD be nice--or just someone who could make dinner or do the grocery shopping once in a while, or a healthier income to ease the stresses of constant work and organizing. I know that my life is calling on me to be sharp and creative right now, not to mention responsible and efficient--so until the resources get going full force, I just need to hold on and stay engaged and try to do what I'm being called upon to do.

I'll get it, I'm feeling very blessed and open to the challenge--but I have to figure out the "how" of it first!

Back in the Land of Nonprofit

Those of you who know me well know that I spent over 20 years working and volunteering for nonprofit organizations--I've held various paid positions, worked as a consultant and sat on boards and committees as a volunteer. In 2006, I got very burned out. I realized that I had raised millions of dollars for fledgling organizations and watched dysfunctional board after dysfunctional board implode. I was tired and I didn't feel as though I had anything else to give to nonprofits and charitable causes so I took a break.

No donations, no boards, no committees, AND I started completely over in the job department looking for different type of work. I wanted to focus on building my writing business, which I have and I really wanted to forget everything I knew about managing nonprofit organizations! Well, in early 2008, I decided I was ready to start making donations again and by mid-2008, I felt a clarity about where I wanted to put my time and energy: gay, queer and equality issues are at the forefront of my focus and that is what got me back into working with nonprofits--AS A VOLUNTEER.

I thought, perhaps, I would have truly forgotten what I knew; I tried to slide in under the radar and not be expected to share and perform but it didn't last long. As I was elected chair of the Q Center board last weekend and am now staring at the first grant application I've faced in 3 years--I realize that I am definitely back in the land of nonprofit. I confess, there is a great deal of familiarity--there is a confidence that comes with doing something one knows well. I suppose that old adage really is true and a person should "never say never." There was a time 3 years ago when I was determined NOT to have anything to do with nonprofits ever again. I was burnt, bruised and battered. But, after a hiatus and feeling a tug to get involved with gay rights and equality battles--here I am with my papers, budgets, forms and donor lists in hand. Welcome back...

Strange Energy...

Things have been moving in amazing directions lately and while I wrote about some of that busy-ness the other day, there are other joys and challenges to contend with. I am trying to say "yes" to invitations, answer every e-mail and be present at meetings, gatherings and conversations in mind and spirit as well as body. It all sounds very simple--to be engaged and to facilitate connection. In reality, however, it can be a bit tiring and somewhat perplexing. Why do those connections seem to be happening at the speed of light?!

I currently think that the greatest gifts a gal can have during times of strange energy and "growth in the public sphere" is a few long-time solid friends who can help keep her feet on the ground. I need those soul mates to be encouraging, yes, but to also keep me from taking anything that is going on too seriously. Everything is temporary, everything changes and who is to say my social calendar won't empty itself just as quickly as it has filled up?! Everything needs to be appreciated as a gift and not as a given and I need those trusted few to help keep things in perspective.

My life has been changing at rapid-speed--from the weight loss, to two kids in college who are making grown-up life plans, to work changes and volunteer projects and myriad other connections and invitations to participate. I have been meeting so many new and amazing people in the past couple years. While I definitely do not want to resist and I've learned that the joy is in accepting and going with the flow, I also need to try to keep at least one foot on the ground. There is a strange energy adrift--pleasant, intoxicating and inspiring--but strange. nonetheless. And I know that a great deal is being asked of me!

So Busy...

Life has been busy--delightfully busy, but pretty jam-packed nonetheless. Both Lucy and Lilly are getting into winter term at their respective colleges and with work, volunteer obligations, social stuff, household duties and all those ordinary life elements--it's been busy! The fun thing is that I am in a really good "space" now both mentally and physically and I am enjoying it. I feel as though I have things under control (I know--BIG mistake and probably a precursor to a great, messy crisis) and that I am generally making choices about what I want to do. Still--it's busy!

I still haven't written my Xmas thank you notes and follow-up letters (so if you are waiting for one, I promise I WILL get to it!) but I have managed to get HALF of my taxes done. I did finally get to the grocery store yesterday and I'd been unable to get that accomplished for a week or so. I'm holding it together and not really stressing about it--but that could all change any day.

There are a lot of shoulds--I should be doing more writing work, I should get a hair cut, I should go shopping for new shoes--but there are also fabulously full days and many things that ARE getting checked off my lists. After all, a gal can only do so much!

Like most people, there are times in my life when it is all I can do to get out of bed and make it to work--I don't want to be busy or have outside pressures or expectations. There are other times, however, when the more I have to do, the more energized I feel. Of course, there is a difference between being busy and being manic so as long as I'm still getting enough sleep, finding time to exercise almost every day and taking time out for visits and lounging--it seems like the perfect combination! Besides, there is also a difference between self-induced busy-ness and the kind that comes from outside expectation.

Weight Loss and Shopping

After 40 pounds of weight loss, I just couldn't ignore the fact that my jeans were getting saggy any longer. In fact, in the course of one week, my daughter Lilly and her friend Richella told me I looked like I was wearing a "potato sack" after I returned from a party wearing one of my favorite tops and my daughter Lucy told me "it was time" to get some new jeans. It was strangely traumatic shopping for clothes 2 sizes smaller. Who knew it would be as difficult as it was?

The thing is, I've been the same size for a LONG time--I was comfortable, happy and generally confident and secure. I would have probably gone on happily if it wasn't for the health challenges that made it clear I needed to make some major lifestyle changes. So, a few months later and 40 pounds lighter--the wardrobe situation is changing. And, if I manage to stay on track, it should continue to change.

So, shopping for jeans and some new tops and trying to adjust to seeing myself as I am TODAY and not as I have been was/is a challenge. Of course, this is completely un-unique--we all go through physical changes constantly in the course of a lifetime. I am learning, however, that fact does not necessarily make it any easier or less "huge"! Sure, I feel great and I am loving feeling healthier, but accepting that this is a permanent change with obvious adjustments means letting go of the past in a big way. I think that is why admitting that I was not the same size any longer was such a big deal. It really is a major "letting go;" a major identity shift.

So, I did get the new clothes and they feel and look fine. I know, however, that this is only the beginning but as a friend advised, I am trying to be gentle with myself and give myself time to adjust, experience, and embrace the moments as they come and go. It is so much more than a couple new pairs of jeans but that doesn't mean I have to obsess about it!

Coping with Complaints

In the work I do as a conference planner, listening to and coping with complaints is a substantial part of the job. I imagine there must be some lessons in this for me since I'm really not a complaining sort of person myself. I generally figure that everyone is doing the best they can and that there are elements in most difficulties that I neither see nor understand. So being the one who is on the receiving end of constant complaints, criticism and special requests can be exhausting. Even though I have gotten used to the fact that regardless of how much care, time and organization I put into things, about 30%-40% of the people are going to be unhappy in some capacity--it still wears me down!

Conference planning requires a certain thickness of skin--it can be tough to continue to be pleasant and friendly in the face of constant complaints--it is that old adage about catching more flies with honey than with vinegar that comes to mind. Strangely, it seems to be human nature that special requests and drama go hand-in-hand with complaints. All of these can be such triggers for me which I imagine is part of the reason I'm having to cope with these people and issues. As someone who is very stoic and independent and who has never asked for special treatment, freebies or harbored delusions of my importance--I find that I get quickly triggered by those who do. Of course, I get how it is my challenge to learn to cope with!

So, when people express how interesting they think my job must be, I know they have no idea how much of it is coping with unhappy people, special interest groups and complaints. Of course, anyone who has done this sort of work will understand--anyone who has done any sort of "customer service" work will likely get it as well. The chances of me getting 15 perfect flights, assigning rooms in such a way that will make everyone happy, having every workshop room perfectly lit and temperature controlled to keep all 60 participants happy, and myriad other details that people feel the need to complain about is nill. Even if there was a staff of 6 instead of just one person, the chances of making everyone happy would be nill. Still, I'm trying to get Zen; trying to learn not to get triggered and trying to appreciate those people who DON'T complain and request more. Unfortunately, it is generally the complainers that I hear from regularly--the other people just go about their business happily!

Patience and Perspective...

I think we all have various lessons and challenges during the course of our lives and they may not be the same for everyone. When I was younger, I used to wrestle a great deal with patience and restlessness. Now that I am "older," I understand that part of my impatience and feelings of restlessness were due to my not feeling in control of my life. Patience is a little easier for me now but I still go through bouts when things don't seem to be happening fast enough or easy enough and this is where perspective comes in!

When I was in Germany for a conference in October (2007), I was privileged to get a strong, healthy dose of both challenges to my patience and reminders about perspective. To be in a small town on the edge of the Black Forest with ancient buildings and a mellow, slow pace was a grand reminder that the entire world does not work at the frenzied pace of the United States. People live perfectly long, happy lives in places where shops close at 6:00 pm and nothing is open on Sundays! AND, people can be perfectly happy waiting, standing on line and dealing with rules and regulations. I have been trying to remind myself of that lately. Life goes on quite pleasantly whether I am organized and efficient or not. I've come a long way since my teens and twenties but I can still get weary of things and people NOT being on time, following through or happening as easily and efficiently as I think they should.

I try to remember the slow, independent pace of a small German street or remind myself that other people have paths and missions that I know nothing about. It's fine. It's good. As I step on the scale and get frustrated that I'm not losing weight as smoothly as I'd like or I wonder why my bank account can't be a bit more "plush" since I seem to always be working and trying to support a family--I try to go back to Germany for a little dose of patience and perspective. It'll be fine. Everything happens on time, I just need to get a little calmer in accepting that!

Ah, Now the "Balance" Problem...

Well 2009 is off to a busy start and I can see that the "shadow" of my focus on the Triple A's: Activism, Activity and Appreciation is going to be a challenge. For me, so far, the big challenge is already "balance." The first weekend of the New Year found me with multiple activities and opportunities on each day and by Sunday I was feeling a bit run down! I can see that I am going to need to figure out some pacing to go along with this upswing of activism and activity.

I am incredibly lucky in that I have the potential for a very balanced life--I am fortunate to have my kids and a strong desire for family interaction, as well as satisfying work, and skills and talents I can offer up to the community at large. Not to mention, some of the most amazing friends in the world. Still, there is always more and I have recently been meeting a great many new people and opening up to new challenges and activities--all in the name of the Triple A's. BUT, the trick here is not to get worn out or to let things get out of balance!!

I continue to work out and exercise and with the changes to my diet, the pounds continue to slip away (never as quickly or as dramatically as I would like but again, I just can't complain.) I know that the movement piece is a strong priority because my health is benefiting so much. So far, I'm hoping to use the exercise to decompress from the other stuff!

Perspective is the perpetual challenge--keeping one area of my life from running amok and maintaining a bit of equilibrium about where I put my energies and efforts. We'll just have to see if I can still focus on the energy of the Triple A's and keep all the other areas of my life in balance too!

Happy New Year!

I did not party away the night last night--it just wasn't that sort of a year. Instead, I took advantage of a quiet house all to myself and put away all the Christmas decorations and gave the house a good cleaning. I take great satisfaction in putting everything carefully away in boxes and storing it away for another year. Now, the house feels fresh, spacious and completely ready to welcome a new year.

I've also had a wee case of the sniffles so have not been feeling as fabulously as desired. I did manage to experience a good workout early this morning, however, which was exactly how I wanted to "commemorate" the starting of a new year. The year seems to be off to a great start in the direction of my "theme" as there are activities and events stacked up for the next couple days. We'll see if it keeps up and if I can keep up with such an ambitious social and involvement schedule!

Time marches on but it is so lovely to experience briefly, at the start of a new year, that feeling that we have been given a boost of time--a whole year spread out before us with possibility, no mistakes, and untold adventures. I have read that there is a great deal of pessimism for many people facing 2009. As usual, I am not in step with the masses as I feel a sense of warm anticipation that I haven't felt in many years. Here's to health and happiness in the coming year!