Christmas 2009

I was looking at photos from last Christmas (2008) and realized that things have changed so much in twelve short months. Lucy is now in her own apartment, Lilly and Stu have new living arrangements and Tiger and I are in our new house too. This doesn't even begin to touch on the changes in school, jobs, deaths, etc. that have gone down in a matter of months. Whew! No wonder we have all been a little off kilter.

I could not help but feel incredibly blessed and lucky amidst all the exhaustion this Christmas. So much living really--love, loss, laughter...the inspiration for me comes from all of the amazing people in my life who encourage me to just keep going: nothing particularly glamorous, just every day, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other living. Sometimes that is all we really have to focus on.

As we packed away the boxes of decorations and dishes and trees today, I couldn't help but feel somewhat accomplished in the fact that Tiger and I had moved in to our new house and managed to pull off a pretty decent Christmas celebration as well. Our house was cozy and gorgeous, there were gifts under the tree, and we got to spend Christmas Eve and morning in a beautiful, comfortable country house with kids and family. Very nice and a pretty decent accomplishment for two women who have been through what we have in the past several months.

I am looking forward to the future and taking the next few days to contemplate on what the coming year might bring and where I need to put my energy. Meanwhile, I feel good about how Christmas 2009 went down and quite content to tuck it away in the memory vault and photo albums. Once again, it is time for new beginnings...

Settling into the Willow Avenue House

It has been about two weeks since I stepped off the plane from my visit to Indiana and joined Tiger in moving into our new shared house on Willow Avenue. I have to remind myself that it has only been two weeks because with the bustle of moving, coming home from our respective trips, and wrestling with the holidays--time has become a bit of a blur.

We expect a great deal from ourselves and, of course, want the little house to feel homey and comfortable and give a sense of feeling a little settled after a really tumultuous year. We want to make room for us as a couple, make room for our own individual selves and endeavors, make sure that all our kids feel comfortable coming by and hanging out and provide a welcoming space for all our friends and the hostessing we both like to do. That is a rather tall order for a sweet little bungalow and two already-stressed women!

Meanwhile, there is still work and job hunting and fundraising that needs to get done. Christmas that needs to be planned for and such, and all the details of tending to a young relationship. We are settling in but it is a process. Trying to remember to be gentle with each other and ourselves, negotiating and celebrating all the little pieces that are involved in making a home and building a new version of life...

Gratefulness

It is customary to count one's blessing on Thanksgiving day and to take stock in all the abundance and gifts that are swirling about. As most of you know, this has been a particularly challenging and tumultuous year for me, but I cannot help but feel incredibly grateful and thankful today...

How lucky am I to be spending Thanksgiving at the Becher's in Brownsburg, Indiana with my dear old friend Wendy! They have all been so amazingly welcoming and warm and open-hearted that I feel blessed to have such dear friends and be able to experience a heartland holiday once again. This has been a lot of fun and a place where I can be my unglamorous self and have limitless laughs in the process. It is special and healing and I truly appreciate this visit.

My girl and my kids are scattered across the country. I am glad that Tiger is able to spend the holiday with her family and I know how much she was looking forward to spending time with her daughter, her sister, her mom and other family members--not to mention getting to satisfy that craving for some East Coast pizza. As much as I miss her, I know that she is right where she needs to be on this particular holiday and I know she feels great about her adventure. One of the most delicious gifts of this past year has been the arrival of this woman in my life and it has taken us nearly an entire year to get where we are. Amidst all the changes and twists and turns and loss of 2009, the building and growing of our relationship is one of the elements I am most grateful for. As we move our "stuff" across the threshold of our new home together next week, I know I will be shaking my head at how we got from "My name is..." to a shared lease!

Those three fabulous young adults that are my kids are more abundance and thankfulness for me. I love how capable, interesting and evolving they are and I appreciate how loving they have been in letting me take this trip to Indiana for a holiday that we customarily spend together. I miss them, but I have talked to all of them repeatedly and I know that they are making room for a different holiday with their dad's family and it will be great. I am so grateful to have these three unique and special people in my life that I thank the universe for them at every turn.

Reconnecting with my family and getting through my own dad's passing and funeral, meeting new people and making new friends, and all the work that has been a part of my past year are all other things I feel gratitude for. I appreciate that I do feel so connected to the world and that my world continues to get larger and I appreciate that I can help and be helped and know that all this trial and tribulation is temporary. With all the loss of the past year and all the drastic changes, I value focusing on all the gains and abundant surprises that have come into my life as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Eve

Today was a baking day in kitchens all over the country. Not only was I slicing apples and making pie dough here in Wendy's kitchen in Indiana, I know that Tiger was also making pies and cranberry relish in her mother's kitchen in New Jersey. My daughter Lucy is planning to attempt her first solo pie-baking this evening as well.

It has been wonderful being able to let my hair down and get in some good visiting and wandering and playing here in Indiana. Of course I miss my kids and my girl and my usual routine of cooking dinner at my house but this year just needed to be different. This year has been different on so many counts and it seemed like Indiana was a good place for me to be. It has been wonderful and there is nothing quite like playing with old friends to help things feel a bit more settled. I am starting to feel as though when I return to Eugene I will be able to concentrate on the next wave of changes; a new home with Tiger, the holiday season with family and friends, and new work projects.

The world still feels off-kilter with the death of my father and the major moving and transition that we have all been through. The affects of the economy are being felt by just about everyone I know--particularly on the West Coast and I have no idea what the future will bring. No idea at all.

As I settle into this evening after a day of baking and playing in the kitchen, I am working to focus on gratitude and starting to formulate tomorrow's list of all the things I truly am thankful for--despite the rock-and-roll adventures of the past year!

Midwestern Things and Fall Changes

My visit in the heartland continues and as I allow myself the pleasures of being somewhere "else" and the ease of connecting with dear old friends, I think that I am finally able to start putting all the mad changes of the past year into some perspective. Mostly it is just an embracing of what "is" and allowing things to be as they are without much questioning. Some things change and some things don't. I really don't have any control over most of it and the secret seems to be to just keep going.

When I return to the West Coast, Tiger and I will be moving into a sweet little bungalow on the close-in North side of town. I looked at several places and started house hunting nearly two months ago for myself. As is typical, however, the universe seemed to have ideas of its own and when Teri and I finally decided that we wanted to find a place together, the very next day this house presented itself to us and all the obstacles seemed to dissolve. How hard it is to quiet the voices and let go of the fears and just allow life to unfold!

I realize that the connectedness I feel in this world has nothing to do with place, stuff, or items and everything to do with people, conversation and love. I am lucky. I have some of the most amazing friends and loved ones scattered all over the globe and I never know when I will form a new, lasting and enriching friendship. In the time I have been single, I never panicked about "meeting someone" nor did I feel particularly lonely. I have had my kids, friends and vast volumes of connections to bolster me over the years. I just figured that people would continue to come into my life and if I was meant to have another close, intimate relationship, it would present itself as well.

As I age, I just become more and more myself. I feel an increasing depth of comfort with the "who" of me regardless of where I am or who I am with. I realize that with the increased comfort and self-awareness comes an increased ability to be present and genuine with others. Amazing.

So, as I experience a gorgeous Fall and holiday in the flat fields of Indiana, I know that my nearest and dearest will be experiencing their own transitions in myriad other locations. Tiger will be with her people on the East Coast, my kids will be with friends and family around Oregon, and other friends will be finding each other over tables, on dance floors, in living rooms and walking side-by-side along leaf-strewn trails. What an amazing life this is with all of its turmoil and letting go and allowing the new to come in!

A Visit to Indiana...

As I write, I am sitting in my dear old friend Wendy's living room, surrounded by three dogs and the Becher family. Wendy and I met at a play date in the park when all five of our children were preschoolers and have stayed the best and closest of pals over nearly fifteen years, thousands of miles and myriad changes. All of our children are nearly grown--or on the edge of adulthood and we are both solidly in middle age now. Amazing.

Our lives have changed, our homes have changed, our families have changed and yet there are so many things that seem to have not changed at all. It has been decades since we tried to carve out a coherent conversation amidst diaper changes, arguments over toys, peanut butter sandwiches and carpools. We have shared memories and hundreds of ones that we have experienced separately and it delights me to find the two of us talking, laughing and wandering with the sincerest of connections.

While I am here in Indiana, I still feel very connected to "back home" too--my girl, my kids, my friends and all the other pieces of connection that make up a life. It is a blessing to be able to stretch across the miles and across the years and truly appreciate the surprising comforts that life serves up.

My Dad's Death...

It came the way it sometimes does--as a phone call. My phone was vibrating while I was sitting in a movie at The Bijou with my girlfriend Teri and my son, Stuart. As we walked out of the theater, I listened to the message from my mother and she needed an immediate return call.

My Dad was only 66 years old and while it wasn't an absolute shocking surprise, it was sudden and unexpected. We will never know exactly what happened and we are all okay with that. It was one of his very strong wishes not to be subject to an autopsy.

Teri and I got to the moutainside and my parents home on Thursday morning, honoring my Mother's request to have the night to herself. The past week has been heavy, intense, and at times silly, funny and slow. We have run the gamut of emotions and with the arrival of my sister (who lives in Brooklyn, NY) and my brother and his family, we all rallied to try to do the best we possibly could to help Mom and the rest of us move through those initial days.

I have only begun to think about grieving. There has been so much to do. I woke up in my own town this morning and felt the immediate pang and need to check on the folks back at my parents' home. The only thing I do know is that the death of a parent changes everything--I have been so lucky to have lived as long as I have with both my parents (up until a year ago, I could also claim to have all my grandparents as well.) Three deaths of close relatives--both my grandfathers and my dad--in fourteen months has been almost inconceivable. However, I know I am still fortunate and that I felt incredibly blessed to be surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones as we all started to wrap our heads around a world without Ron Rodley...

The Grand Adventure...

My "stuff" is currently tucked away in a 10 by 10 storage unit; the keys have been handed over to the townhouse that has been home for nearly five years and all three children are launched out into the world and away from "mother's nest." It is a huge change and a huge transition and I am still not sure what I think or feel about it all!

There are moments of bubbling excitement when I find myself working away on the creative opportunities presenting themselves. There is also optimism as I do the house-hunting and explore different neighborhoods around town. There is also a pleasant reassurance when I consider how many friends I have had helping me and how supportive the universe is being.

As I learn how to connect and reach out to my kids in different ways and how to identify myself as a woman who is not solely mother and breadwinner, I am a bit ambivalent. It has been decades of being family and home-focused and now I have to figure out what the new order is going to be like. Where will I put my energy? Who will I choose to "hang with"? How will I structure my days, nights, career, etc.? It is somewhat shocking to realize that my life is my own again and while I am still very connected to my kids and want to be available and involved--I have to do it on different terms. I know intellectually that this is an opportunity for reinvention and reinvigoration--but I am still feeling my way along the launching of this new adventure...

Heading into Fall and the Adventuresome Move and Launching

A recent trip to the blustery Oregon coast reminded me that there is no going back to those warm, easy days of summer! In fact, the blustery, breezy and cool drama of this October weather seems well-suited to the changes in my life on a larger scale.

I am currently putting furniture and boxes in storage, and sending the two remaining kids at home off to grander living adventures, as well as looking for new homes for my three cats. Everything is changing and I am in the midst of transition in a big way. I don't know where I will land or if the landing is even part of the adventure!

Stuff in storage, a new Post Office box for a mailing address, a cellular phone and I am probably the most "un-rooted" I have ever been. With no "classic" job to tie me to a specific location, I have possibilities and while I am incredibly unsettled, it feels absolutely great (a little nerve-wracking, but great.) Life has a tendency of pushing and pulling us toward our destiny, no matter how determined we may be to try to make our existence fit into a societally-sanctioned box.

It has been so amazingly cool seeing who has stepped forward to help with boxes or moving or taking stuff off my hands or just providing moral support. It has also been an incredible process for me getting comfortable asking for help and figuring out where that help is likely to come from.

One phase of my life is definitely ending--my children are raised and my days of being the hard-working single mother are over. It feels like while this new phase is still being revealed to me, and my kids' lives are definitely on the launching pad, we are all in for the excitement of the adventuresome unveiling. I am so into it...

Woman in Motion...

There is a lot going on--house hunting, packing, sorting, purging. My life is amazing and full and in magnificent creative flux. That does not mean that it is particularly easy! Meanwhile, I have been feeling particularly fortunate for all the friends and pals swimming in my life. There is a constant flow of housing suggestions, offers of help and just general, warm support. I am soaking up all the well-wishes and feeling anything but alone as I navigate some pretty fantastic changes. My girlfriend Tiger calls this "tribe" my "Rescue Aid Society" since I have become quite comfortable calling out for help, asking for assistance or company, and just generally letting people in on what is going on with my life. I have found that I finally have what feels like a family of people whom I genuinely enjoy and trust and am willing to let in. So, as I am moving around in a whirlwind swirl of change and transition, I am so grateful for the comrades I feel are solidly in my corner!

An Opportunity for Reinvention

I have been stretched, pulled and upended lately and life has turned itself inside out in some pretty creative ways. All I know is that I have been determined to stay absolutely present and feel my way through every bit of it...

Strangely enough, through it all I feel so incredibly lucky. The lessons are intense--taking a job I didn't really want because it was the societally "correct" thing to do; letting go of adult children and an old way of mothering; allowing new intimacies and friendships to come into my inner world; living life on a completely different level than I ever have before...

My world feels huge and sheltering all the while the conventional realities like housing, money, family, etc. are precarious. I am literally flying by the seat of my pants and breathing through the stress of the unknown. Somehow, when I look in the mirror however, I am delighted to see the shining, loving eyes looking back.

The Universe has sent me some amazing friends and mentors in the past year or so--women who have survived, reinvented themselves and let themselves both reach out and tune in to who they truly are. I feel inspired. I also realize that we are all in this together and love the fact that I can let myself get open and vulnerable and feel so much support and encouragement coming back. I am so NOT falling apart but it is great to be able to say, "hey, I'm in this thing and I need a little help!" and have a whole village of people who will step in with a laugh, lunch, or walk.

I think we are all constantly evolving and growing in little ways but sometimes life asks us to really let go, stretch beyond our comfort zone and use what we have learned in the little leaps. Nothing feels familiar right now and yet I don't think I have ever felt more securely in tune with who I am. Strange this process of aging!

This is an opportunity for me to completely let go of the last forty-plus years of roles and misfitting expectations; this is an opportunity for me to really be intentional about who and what I let into my life and to embrace a creative and unique existance in a complete way. I love my friends that have become clan and finally feel that I am finding my way home...

Getting Back in a Groove

I would love to be able to say "Getting back in THE Groove" but that is not really what is going down. My life has been an upended whirlwind lately. The more control I have tried to exert, the more I have had to let go and admit that I am a passenger at this point--I am not driving the bus.

I have had good intentions, tried to be a mature grown-up and just generally spent the first half of the year doing everything I thought I should be doing. Now that I am in the second half of the year and sliding toward the end, I can honestly confess that I have no idea where I am heading nor can I give a terribly accurate account of what has happened.

What I do know? I am running out of money, not sure what else I can do to raise funds, living without a traditional job (having attempted the very structured 80-hour-a-week government job somewhere around mid-summer that didn't exactly work out; meanwhile, I am falling in love, feeling amazingly healthy and happy, vacillating between worry, trepidation and elation. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, where I will be living, or who might show up in my life next. It is not that I feel like a victim, although there are definitely forces moving that I don't understand. It is more that I just don't know what is going on or what I should be doing to stop, steer or encourage so I am trying to just stay present and trust that somewhere, somehow, the universe is going to take care of me and all will eventually be revealed...

So Flipping Busy...

I haven't written in a month--life has changed and is changing and I have been so incredibly busy with new job and new love and just new, new, new...

I am trying to adjust and most days doing only a marginally-decent job of it. I seem to be always running behind and making apologies but I am determined to figure it out. Meanwhile, the one thing I do feel is an amazing gratitude for all the abundance. I really am incredibly lucky--even if I can't figure out how to manage all that fortune!

What I do Well...

In the midst of the constant self-inflicted urgings to do better at this and improve that, it can be human nature to forget to take stock of what a person does well. We all get certain gifts, talents, abilities and interests that can be a positive addition to the world if and as we use them. I have often told people that if I could get paid just to visit and help other people make connections--that would be the perfect job for me!

I also joke that just about everything I do well, I pretty much learned in high school. My ability to create social connections and encourage and support such behaviors is one of the things I do best. My Aquarian desire for inclusiveness and equality tends to be a strong motivator as I just want everyone to get together have fun and play nicely! I have had to learn over the years how to move in the world and help and facilitate without getting overwhelmed or over-involved (boundaries!) but at this age, I am finally starting to realize that this is something I do pretty well.

I was probably meant to live in the very time I do--I LOVE things like the internet, Facebook, e-mail, Twitter, and other means of connection and networking. The larger my realm of these little connections gets, the more excited I get about all the opportunities for connection. In my most immediate world, I am seeing the positive affects of all these ways of connecting; as well as some of the positive results of nurturing and encouraging social connections. I just LOVE seeing how we expand, grow and form working relationships, coalitions, committees, friendships, partnerships and all the other ways of connecting!

I still have to watch out for becoming overly involved or getting overextended but I also realize that since this is something I do well and that I enjoy, it is probably something I am meant to share...

Authenticity...

Variations of the word "authentic" have been coming up repeatedly in my world lately--enough that I have realized that this word "authentic" does not necessarily mean the same thing to everyone...

For example, when I use the words authentic or authenticity, I am referring to self-truth--something that is messy, real, and un-judge-able. When I say I am trying to be authentic or that I want authentic connections, I mean that I want to get either intimate with myself or intimate with others in a very real way.

This does not necessarily mean "pretty," "tidy" or exactly as I would imagine...

I have heard other people say they want an "authentic" connection when what they really want is a relationship or connection that fits their needs or is crafted in a way that they think would be right, appropriate or correct. "Authenticity" in this case means that people are behaving according to one person's values.

Authenticity and being authentic is not for the faint-hearted or superficial and it is definitely not tidy. Additionally, I find it is a constant process for me--it reminds me of swimming: floating is easy and I can do it without thinking, but if I want to actually get from place to place with purpose in the water I have to work at it. The minute I stop paddling or stroking my arms, my direction becomes uncontrollable.

I have to constantly ask myself what I need or want or whether or not I am being authentic in the moment. Much of the time I am acting out of habit or fear or whatever (and I am quite certain this is how it is for all of us)--being authentic takes a delving into messy truth that can be a bigger challenge.

One of those weekends...

Okay, my weekend wasn't as dramatic as the picture promises but there were some fireworks on the 4th. Instead, it was much more of a "working weekend" than I would have liked and I don't mean work for pay either.

Instead, life asked me to make some tough choices, to get in touch with myself, my needs, my desires and my challenges. If it sounds very "me" focused, I guess it was and I'm just not comfortable spending much time in that space!

I had my Tarot cards read on Friday morning and I thought it was just going to be a little entertaining blip to kick off a long holiday weekend. Instead, it seemed to be the gateway to an expanding, sometimes painful, thought-provoking and emotional few days. At times, I felt like I was re-living and re-learning some lessons and challenges I had hoped to have left behind a long time ago. My friend Barb believes that we don't actually "re-learn" lessons but that we spiral upward and may touch on the same themes but it is just our way of healing and working them out in more and more intricate ways.

I like that visual since it doesn't make a girl feel like she is stuck in a never-ending quagmire or cycle. I think one of the hardest things to do is to let go of what isn't really working or rewarding without knowing for sure that something better will come along. I think we settle for dysfunctional relationships, jobs and situations because we are afraid there will be a big empty when we let go. Maybe this really IS as good as it gets?

For me, it can be hard to advocate for my own needs and to stay clear in my authentic experiences. It is especially hard when a very forceful "someone else" is reporting a different experience or a different description of what and who is going down. Learning that it really is possible for two people to be moving in completely different movies while sharing an experience/argument/altercation/etc. has been both liberating and heartwrenching for me. It means that no amount of pleading, yelling or explaining is going to make the other person see or hear us for who we think we are (and vice versa.)

I am not one to shy away from a discussion or an opportunity to have an authentic connection with someone--whether it is in love, compassion or conflict. Sometimes, however, the time comes to simply let go and walk away. All that can happen has happened and the sanest, healthiest and most loving thing to do is to let go and walk away.

The other amazing challenge for me is being called upon to change habits and repattern the way I move in the world. I do not always have to choose the same types of friends, mates, jobs, etc. As uncomfortable as it is, challenging myself to try something different--a grown-up government job with benefits (for example)or to consider being attracted to different sorts of friends and mates--is also in the "cards" so to speak and a big part of the shift of this past weekend. I am a little scared at the attempt to attract different things and people into my life--after all, what if I let go of what I have known all along and nothing else or different comes along to replace it? Then I am faced with that big empty I mentioned earlier.

So, a smattering of all the biggies this weekend--loss, disappointment, grief, confusion, anger, sadness--as well as some joy, delight, playfulness, love, hopefulness and laughter. I really have no idea what might move into my world now that I have exploded some of the elements but I have to trust that my lessons will ultimately be healing and that I am learning new ways of inviting different things into my life.

What a Start to the Summer!

It dawned on me today that this is the last day of June. The weather is nice and toasty, the sun is out and I have already logged in several hours by the pool, at the farmer's market and in the bleachers at the baseball game. This past weekend found me comfortably busy doing fun activities and I can honestly say that I cannot remember a more saucy jump-start to a summer. Who would have thought I would find myself in such a delightful place at this age? And who would have thought the universe would continue to send me such amazing friends and playmates?

I have surely shared by now that Summer is my favorite season--everything about the summer months suits me just fine and even though I am older and cannot while away the weeks playing softball and camping out, I still extract as much "life" out of the sunny season as I can.

To be honest, however, Summer is not without its heavy side. I have found myself feeling nostalgic and revisiting some of the grief and loss recently. We are almost upon the one-year anniversary of my Grandpa Tuff's death and it still seems unreal that both of my beloved grandfathers died in the past year. My childhood summer memories are inexplicably linked to my grandparents as I probably spent as many hours at their homes as I did at my own. There are definitely pleasures and preferences that I absorbed from them that I carry into my own fifth decade of summers.

The Fourth of July is only a couple days away; I plan to spend it with friends under a warm, summer sky. As I look over this past month of June I am dazzled at all that has gone down--activities, family adventures, a new job offer, love and a whole lot of laughter. How could I not be feeling some anticipating at the dawning of July?!

On Being Me...

I suppose some threshold has been crossed--in the past couple weeks I have had a few conversations with friends that oddly enough came down to one core truth--the inevitable urging we feel to simply be more authentically ourselves. It is a tough one that obviously takes a lifetime to sort out, but I am delighting in realizing that I don't have to listen to all those voices, judgments, opinions, etc. and I don't have to respond to other people's projections of who they wish or want me to be either. All I have to do is just work on peeling away all that crap and letting myself just exist as I am...

Perfect.

I have been accused of being all sorts of things and I haven't the slightest interest in repeating most of them--whether one would think they were "good" or "bad." It doesn't really matter as I'm probably all of those characteristics and accusations and none of them. I have been accused of being "mysterious," "confusing" and an "open book"--none of these descriptions is necessarily true as far as I'm concerned but I don't really have to explain myself to anyone. What I do feel compelled to do is to be loving and vulnerable. By focusing on those two things, I think the rest will likely take care of itself.

Not everyone will "get me" and that's fine; it doesn't really matter. It is always somewhat shocking for me to hear that other people have been talking about me. Why on earth, I wonder, would they have any interest at all in trying to figure me out? After all, they could just ask! But, I get that isn't the way things necessarily work (and who is to say that I would tell them what they actually want to hear?)Mostly, I just assume that I am "out of sight, out of mind" for folks--how surprising to be reminded otherwise.

So, I don't know how to explain it--all I know is that I'm not trying to change or evolve, just "un-do" all the layers that get in the way of my being authentic. I suspect that I am in grand company with all the others who are trying to do the same thing...

Organization Squared

I am finally determined to get organized--down to the bones! Today Meli has helped create a master Google calendar where I can enter all my info and have access from any where. It will send me e-mail alerts and I can share it with other folks too. I'm just getting started and there is a bit of inputting to be done--but that is part of getting organized!

Last night, I felt inspired to sort through my cupboards and pull out dishes, cups, glassware, etc. that I no longer need. This weekend, I plan to do more of that purging and sorting to try to create even more basic organizational structure. I have let things slide--probably since the very exhausting and emotional year a couple years ago (2007 was a rugged year for me) and I finally realized that the lack of organization was wearing me down!

Hiring Meli to help has been very inspiring. While in my fantasy, I think I wanted her to do it all for me--in reality, there is plenty that I need to do too. Having her on board to "talk organization and efficiency" with is forcing me to clean up my act all around. I'm excited, a little nervous, completely overwhelmed--but determined that this time the organizational structures and systems will be workable and adequate to fit my world!

Taking Things to a New Level

I do not claim to understand all the minute workings of my personal mythology--even after 42 years, I still get caught off guard by the ebbings and flowings of elusive things like creativity, motivation, energy, focus, etc. I don't always know if I am taking calculated risks or foolish ones and I certainly don't understand how I can endure and tolerate certain things for weeks, months or years and then wake up suddenly one day ready for a change!

A couple months ago, I started toying with the idea of how to expand and organize my life. I felt as though I had pretty much maxed out all I was capable of with the resources I have. I work as much as I can, try to maintain a cozy and welcoming household for my kids and the fair amount of entertaining I do, volunteer and chair/coordinate activities for the good of the order, and try hard to stay afloat as a soloist in every aspect of my life. A gal gets a little tired I tell you. I couldn't figure out what to do: move, get another job (I already have two and yes, I am looking for more work), give up on the idea of making my writing my only support, buy a new car--what?! I kept trying to figure out what I needed to start to create more peace and less stress.

A friend commented that what I needed was a spouse or partner and this is what got me thinking in a new direction. I don't really see that happening any time soon--and all the reasons have been well-documented. I decided what I really needed was a personal assistant. Someone who could help get me organized and provide a little support and coordination for a few hours a week. While I have a very active social life and plenty of activities and responsibilities, I don't really have a support system.

So, today I am finally embarking on a new experimental adventure--enter the *new* personal assistant! Actually, it is going to be Meli--a long-time friend of my oldest daughter Lucy. When I put out the call for interested applicants, I did get a few responders but Meli was the most persistently direct and clear in her organizational capabilities. She may go running and screaming into the woods but we're going to give this thing a try. She seems to think she can bring order into my world and hopefully create some space for me to be more productive (I harbor hope that with a little help and support I can actually make more money and have more fun--not to mention do less "hack" writing work and more of what truly feeds my soul.) I know I'm probably asking a great deal from a couple hours a week, but let's just see if it doesn't help me take my life to a whole new level--there is a lot of work out there for me to do!

Finding Purpose and Making Meaning...

Here I am half-way through the year of the Triple A's--Activism, Activity and Appreciation and I thought it might be useful to take stock. It's been a little up and down in terms of my ability to handle my chosen challenges (and those I didn't exactly choose.) I've had an easier time with Activity and more of a struggle with the Activism and the Appreciation part, as you may have guessed.

It is really tough to stay grateful and appreciative when life and times can be so rugged. There has never been a time when more of my friends were out of work, laid off, had their hours cut or were on the verge of job insecurity. It is becoming common place and I've just let go of any sort of fear or worry about it. I could just as easily have no job tomorrow and I feel totally compelled to share whatever I can with those people around me. Meanwhile, my kids have been out there pounding the pavement and looking for work and I, too, have been trying to keep my resume in circulation. It is almost surreal in how much "lack" there is swirling all around. I continue to try to cut back on debt and expenses and wonder how I could possibly get any leaner and yet I do. No car, no cable television, no home Internet service, streamlining the phone service, etc. I definitely work harder than ever and have less daily amenities than I have my entire adult life.

Meanwhile, a girl just gets moody and tired. As much as I really am grateful for good health and all the amazing adventures and opportunities going down in my world, I often wonder what the meaning and purpose of it all is? What should I really be doing and it I figured it out, would life be humming along a little more smoothly? Is there a way to make more money? To be able to afford some of those simple things that I have gotten so used to living without? Can I do that and still be available for my kids and friends and causes that mean so much to me? While I feel in good company with some amazing people who work incredibly hard and are also not exactly getting ahead--it is hard to live in this society and NOT feel as though we are somehow doing something wrong.

My activity calendar is quite full--sometimes it gets so crowded that I just have to let things slide. I cannot possibly attend every event, activity, party and respond to every invite so I am learning to choose. Of course, this is a wonderful challenge to have and it means that I have definitely fulfilled my promise to get things moving. I continue to stay physically active and find that I am doing more "play" than "workout"--playing kickball with friends, going for long chatty walks and dancing for hours instead of marching away on the treadmill. I love both kinds of activity, however, and am happy to have so much of it in my life.

So, I can report that what has come out of the first half of the year is a sense of community and connection--I still have not figured out my purpose in life and I don't know if I really can make sense of so much struggle, work, lack and stress but I do feel as though there are comrades and buddies with whom to experience and share the struggle. There have also been a great many conversations, laughter, and work sessions where we have all been shoulder to shoulder trying to fight the good fight for survival and progress...

Coping with an Empty Tank

For whatever reason, my life and world tends to ask a lot out of me. I am historically the one nurturing, organizing, listening, supporting and holding things together. I work two jobs and have been sole support for my little household for years but that isn't all of it. I genuinely try to be available and give, volunteer and share as much as I possibly can-whether it is time, energy, resources, money or whatever. A big part of my motivation is because I genuinely do believe that is what life is all about but there is another egotistical part that hopes if I give, volunteer and share enough, there will eventually be some that comes back in my direction. I know better and, of course, find myself feeling very depleted and trying to cope with a perpetually empty tank.

I am not so great with the self-care--not necessarily because I don't want to or because I think I don't deserve it (I definitely deserve it) but I just run out of time, resources and energy. I do not have any problem asking for help or reaching out--but those requests more often than not do not get responded to. So, I buck up and go on trying to do what I can to give back. For some time now, I have been feeling really drained--work has been lacking in fulfilment or even positive recognition or appreciation (not to mention the stress of constantly straining and stretching to make ends meet) and other areas of my life have asked a great deal out of me as well. Meanwhile, nothing is really going back INTO the tank. There are so many people, causes, projects and such lining up to make a withdrawal, but I can't remember the last time anyone made a deposit!

So, I am trying to find a way to pull back, regroup and feed myself in some little ways. I am not doing such a great job of it, but I have at least been able to acknowledge what is going on. I really do have a great capacity for love and compassion as I wrote about last time, but my resources are getting a little strained. Like any exhausted person, I get sad and weepy and then shake myself and force myself to respond to that phone call or e-mail, clean the house yet again for the next wave of visitors, hand over money to causes or kids, listen, give, apologize or whatever. Of course, I am definitely not meeting everyone's needs and I feel badly about some of that and then I realize that there really isn't anyone marching in to attempt to meet any of my needs (ahah, my job too of course and I totally get that) and I promise myself I will try to sort that out "some day."

I have a lot of wonderful friends and I have amazing kids; I feel blessed to live in a wonderful little city and have a reasonably comfortable existence but I don't really have a "support system." If I was to fall down the stairs, there really isn't a pack of family or folks who would rally around to help hold up my world. I'd still have to find a way to work, clean the house, take care of obligations, etc. I completely accept that things are the way they are and that we all get different lives to live--based partially on our own manifestations and partly on luck. I just haven't learned yet how to keep my tank full so that I can hold up my little corner of the world as expected without getting drained, exhausted and a little weepy! The only thing I really know how to do is to just keep going...

We're All in This Together...

Connection, love, and compassion seem to be my current mantra words--I cannot help but think that reminding myself that we really are all in this wild ride called life together is a key to some sort of constant compassion. It definitely reminds me that we are all connected and even when I'm feeling moody, crabby or isolated--just bringing it back to the simple fact that I am not alone...AT ALL...seems to make a huge difference.

While I think that independence is a wonderful thing and it is important for a person to get comfortable enough in her own skin as to be able to move around in the world solo, I also think that we are social creatures--we need each other. It doesn't really help us to get all sequestered and isolated and to spend too much time alone with our own thoughts and theories. That is when that icky ego voice takes over and before long, it has us believing all sorts of things about ourselves that just are not true.

I really don't think there is anything wrong with a little social distraction--having other people around who are talking to us, asking our opinion, or just creating a diversion can, in fact, be just what we need. Sure, there are those people who just can't be alone with themselves but most of the people I know and love have just the opposite problem--we forget that we really don't HAVE to do everything on our own and that it might not be the best thing for us that we do!

I think we have been fed a load of crap about the importance of handling everything all by ourselves--I think we need each other; we need family and friends and people to do things with. Flying solo can be great and can help us to discover untapped resources and talents within ourselves but I don't think that we need to face life entirely on our own. We're just not created to be that way--even the most introverted and least social among us.

Deep and meaningful is nice; independent study and quest is nice too--but sometimes what we really need is a clan--some people to share a meal with, go for a walk or shop with. It is important to have plenty of people who will notice what we're up to and just sit and have the chat. I really do think that small talk and comfortable conversation is under-rated! So, I suggest we let go of that invented expectation to fly completely solo in this world--let people in, let things be imperfect and messy and friendly; remind ourselves how to be neighborly and how to socialize in a caring and stress-free way. Yes, this means opening up, taking risks and giving things a try even if they are not optimal. It takes effort to build families and clans and communities but it is SO worth it...

Balance Anyone?

Ah, I seem to be always attempting to balance things out--either I am overwhelmingly social and I need a little down time--or I have sequestered myself from the outside world and I could really use a good chat. Of course, this roller-coaster does not really play itself out on a daily basis, it is more that my life moves in cycles and every so often I get to experience what feels temporarily like balance.

I am currently feeling good about the ratios in my world--just enough work, family, group activities, and one-on-one's. What I am trying to work on a little more is my down time just for myself. I am such a classical "Type B" personality that if I don't have a little down time, slow town or time to myself every day, I get pretty darn stressed. Even if it just hanging out with a book for an hour before bed or playing with my Tarot cards--I need to be away from voices, phones and hustle-bustle for a little bit to keep my sanity and ability to function. This does not mean that life is a breeze (quite the contrary since I am looking for work and there are a ton of fabulous activities to choose from) but it does mean that I don't feel like I am putting all my eggs in one basket.

So, whether it is a grand group of gals chatting over coffee, a fun visit with a good friend, and afternoon spent working on writing, or even an hour with a fun book by the pool--it is all about trying to maintain some semblance of balance right now...

Figuring Out Family...

"Family" does not really mean the same thing to me as it used to. My kids are moving out into the world and I don't really have the money to pay for expensive family vacations and sequestered "bonding experiences." I pretty much still get the every day duty. Additionally, as many other queer people know, there is not always the benefit of on-going extended family closeness and relations that many hetero people experience. While I set out over two decades ago to have a big and bustling family, I really have something a little different...

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being the every day parent and I always have. I feel fortunate to be helping with financial aid forms and job applications and daily conversations about daily activities and things. I make a genuine and constant effort to stay connected to my kids in a new way. I so get that it is their job to disconnect and move out into the world and it is my job to not only let them go with encouragement, but to also regroup and create a world for my own self. The reality is, however, that it means expanding my experience of family.

I don't live in the same town as my folks and my brother and sister and I all live in different states. We don't have an every-day sort of connection. I haven't really gotten to be a hands-on aunt and as a single person, I don't have any extended family in the partnering department. So, while I had intended to build family upon family all those years ago--what my world is starting to look like is something more creative.

What I do have is some of the most amazing long-term friends in the world--so emotionally close and weathered over years of changes and intensity as to be very much family. I also have some great newer friends and playmates--people to have coffee with, take in a movie, or who will come over for dinner, a swim or a walk on a moment's notice. I know that if I had to move or was challenged with an illness or injury--the people who would rally around would most-likely be a combination of my kids and their friends, and my own inner and outer circle of amazing people--what I am coming to think of as my family.

There is definitely something that gets lost in our society for many queer people--many of us experience a separation or distancing from family of origin that can be painful and inevitable. We just don't move in the same worlds and even though we may all try very hard (or even a little bit)--it is hard to reconcile all the pieces of our lives into one cohesive whole. I can honestly say that in all the dozens and dozens of conversations that I have had with dozens and dozens of gay people--we have all woven a challenging reorganization of what "family" means into our coming out and evolution process. Our relations with our kids, parents, siblings, etc. become something we not only don't take for granted, but these relations also become a fertile ground for some really tumultuous stuff.

My kids too, like most kids of queer parents, have had their lives influenced and expanded in creative ways. They have learned to make room for my friends and "causes" and I think that there are some really great things that have come from watching and sharing as I have built my own support circle. I see that some of those skills have rubbed off on them as they bring close friends and new acquaintances into activities, gatherings and holidays and I notice they have less rigid ideas of what family can mean.

The surprising thing I have learned is that family is evolutionary and revolutionary--for me it is ever evolving and changing. I make room, my kids make room, things shift and change and some of the strongest connections still surprise and amaze me. I work on being open and nonjudgmental and accepting those individuals my kids choose to bring into our version of family and appreciate the ways that they do the same for me. This isn't the family that I expected to have but I am incredibly grateful that it is the family I DO have...

June Restlessness...

I realized the other day that I am a little bored with my own themes and issues! How's that for a strange bump on the road to personal enlightenment? We all have our themes--those things that we just seem to keep facing down and working on. It took me a few decades before I was even aware of what my themes and issues were. Now that I know them, I still can't seem to quite work my way out and around them!

I told a couple friends that I sometimes feel like I am perpetually trapped in 1986--same sorts of people doing the same sorts of things; I'm playing the same roles over and over again with the same "types" of people and the same types of situations. I get bored with my own self! I've been looking around my world--which is a fine little world really--and wondering if there isn't something more out there somewhere? I'm itching for a move, a new scene, a different voice on the end of the phone, a different pleasant twist--I think I'm ready for some new themes and issues!

I suppose the obvious answer to the restlessness is that I still haven't learned my lessons. If I had--if I had figured out how to be a different sort of person attracting different sorts of people and activities into my life I would be in a different place. As simple as that sounds, it seems to be trickier than that. Instead, I am choosing to chalk it up to June restlessness--here we are in the sweet morning of summer and I know that I have three lovely months to enjoy the season. Will I make the most of it or get bogged down in work and challenges? Who will I know and what will I be doing when September rolls around? Who knows? Maybe I will end up having moved or changed in some major way? Of course, the thing about restlessness is that it is just too early to tell...

Clarity and Perspective

I have just returned from another international trip. I tend to be somewhat thoughtful and restless when I get home from such a big adventure. The work is unpleasant, but I do appreciate the opportunity to get myself out of my own cultural context and experience what the world looks like from another viewpoint. As a matter of fact, I LOVE that part!

I am wrestling a bit with what it means to be 42...and what it means that my life is in the place that it is. Surely I am not the only person to be slogging around in middle-age and wonder what it is that I am actually doing?! I find that while some things seem painfully obvious and clear, other things get a little muddier. My capacity for floating in the grey area increases with age and I am not exactly sure if that is a good thing or not...

I am not someone who has had a very clear vision of what I should be doing or even could be doing with my life; I've meandered a bit and tried on different hats and I still am not sure where I fit into the puzzle. While many people have found love, prosperity, and settled down into a life that fits them perfectly--I am still feeling my way around. In my mind, I cannot help but wonder what else the world has to offer? and I am forever wondering what wonderful surprise is going to happen next? These character "flaws" seem to stand in the way of settling down and settling in.

Traveling helps me to remember that people all over the world are leading personal lives. There is not just one way to go about things and I feel connected with a bigger adventure when I get out and meet some of my fellow travelers. I also find that I have less patience for wasting my time with things that make me miserable. Life is so amazing and so short, why should I be spending it doing things that contribute to my suffering? I love the shift in perspective I get when I come back into my world...we'll just see where it takes me this time!

Embracing Summer...

Not much blogging lately since I have been consumed with work, a trip to Copenhagen, Denmark, and some general restlessness in my world. I can say that it IS summer as far as I am concerned (even if the calendar shows a couple weeks to wait) and that I feel my favorite season taking over!

While I feel those imminent and necessary changes ahead, I also feel the lovely pace of the summer months taking over as well. There is softball (yes, playing on the softball team again at the age of 42; not sure what is up with that!) and friends and family and activities stretching out over the next several weeks. I am a slacker at heart--prefering a slow visit over some fabulous wine to trying to climb the corporate ladder (I wouldn't even KNOW a corporate ladder if it fell on me, really.) The universe has been good to me and I continue to meet amazing people and have amazing adventures. Okay, maybe the buckets full of money haven't found their way into my world yet, but it could still be coming...

Memorial Day weekend has come and gone--the weather is starting to to cooperate; I've had an afternoon sipping beers with a beautiful gal by the pool, I cannot help but have my brain shifted into summer mode. At last, I couldn't be MORE ready...

Channeling Inspiration...

Shirley Partridge was my idol growing up. Of all the TV moms, she was the one who most represented the "type" of mom I saw in myself. Strange that when I was a kid, I didn't think too hard on the fact that she was a single mom! When I look back now, I can't help thinking "Of course..."

I always imagined I would have a half-dozen unique kids and I admit that it has been many years since I have thought of myself as anything but a solo parent. To be honest, as the years slip past and I get older and older, it is tougher and tougher for me to imagine anything else! I'm fine with it. Occasionally, I wonder what it would have been like if things had been different in my life but it is a wondering I shake off quickly--what is the point in fussing over things that never were?

So, what was it about Shirley Partridge as the quintessential fictional mom that worked for me? I think the fact that she was tough and feminine, completely independent, and seemed to be both mom and friend to her kids. She definitely wasn't the "my mom's my best friend type" and seemed to always be the one in charge. But her teenagers DID sit down at the breakfast table and talk about current events and dating. Shirley worked from home and built up the "family business" with her kids and, darn, she was hip while being completely age-appropriate. She was cool but not skanky; lovely but not too thin or suburban. In fact, there was something much more urban out Shirley Partridge than most other TV moms.

So, when times get rugged and I wonder what exactly I am trying to accomplish, I imagine myself standing face-to-face with Shirley Partridge. Whether it is trying to stretch a limited income, generate some extra cash flow, support and encourage my kids, or negotiate the dating scene as a forty-something single mom, I come back again and again to asking: What would Shirley do?

Too Much...

Everything has been a bit too much lately--there has been too much to do; too many variables to contend with; too many moods, germs, tasks, problems and surprises. It is strange how life can go that way. A month ago, I was feeling very positive and optimistic, on the verge of falling in love, and just feeling like I had a handle on everything--I'd even adjusted to having two of my fledglings out of the nest. Fast forward a few weeks and all of that has changed. I am back to have two kids at home, a cluttered house, a cluttered life, a slightly dented heart, and empty bank account, and more tasks and responsibilities that I can possibly handle right now. It is all a bit too much. I know this too is temporary, but I'm not sure that really makes it any easier.

Things are a bit blurry, heavy, foggy and overwhelming. Perhaps that is simply one of the realities of the triple A's--I HAVE been focusing hard on Activism, Activity and Appreciation but sometimes there are elements outside of a girl's control. It becomes necessary to regroup and retract--just long enough to get one's footing.

Evolution & Liberation

It was time...it IS time--I had very good reasons for cutting off all my hair although my kids were a little worried that my drastic urge meant I was slipping into crazy-land. My closest friends understood, however, that it was EXACTLY what needed to happen.

The past few years of my life have been fraught with very typical, yet very challenging changes as I move obviously into the middle part of my life. (At least I think it is the middle part, who knows really?) The deaths of my two beloved grandfathers in the past few months, as well as launching kids, a big breakup, attempts at dating, job and career changes and all those other ordinary adventures--all within a few years--have really been a period of growth and expansion for me. Of course that doesn't mean it's been easy!

In some cultures, cutting off the hair is a way of grieving; it can also be used as a way of initiating a person into a new period of life--people cut off all their hair to show solidarity, join orders and communities and well, that is exactly how it felt for me. I'm initiating myself into a new period of my life. I am NOT concerned with fitting any external expectations of how I need to look, perform, or act. I am NOT the slightest bit interested in trying to fulfill leftover projections from my childhood or trying to prove to the world that I am NOT what they would like me to be. It was the perfect time to cut off almost all my hair...

I have wrestled with "inside/outside" stuff for a big chunk of my life--trying to fight the assumptions and projections that other people have based on how I look or should look on the outside and get the real "inside" person out into the light of day. Again, I am not particularly unique; a great many of us go through this to various degrees. In my case, my "looks" can sometimes be a problem for me--not because of how I feel about myself but because of the things other people say; assumptions they make; comments they might say, etc. I have no real desire to be pretty, attractive, "hot" or any such nonsense--my goal is to be authentic, compassionate, open, vulnerable, and loving. Mostly I want to be a full, complicated, flawed human who can go into deep and ambiguous places. Recently, my HAIR was getting in the way!

Of course, my hair wasn't literally getting in the way, but as a societal symbol it was. I have had people tell me that they were attracted to me because of my hair, one person confessed she felt like she could come and talk to me at a meeting because "my hair looked warm and inviting" (yeah, I don't know what that was about) and I have had people tell me I didn't "look like a lesbian" or question whether I was capable of things because of how I looked. Losing over 65 pounds has not helped matters (but there's nothing I can do about that--I'm still going to work on the weight stuff for my health.) I needed to strip away some of that external stuff and invite the world to get past it as well.

Of course I can't control what other people do or say, but I can continue working NOT to fall into the trap. I am NOT interested in fulfilling any leftover expectations from my childhood or presenting myself in a way that some "other" has deemed desirable. I AM happy to invite people into my world who can see beyond the outside packaging and who don't even really care. Let's get down to what really matters, we have such a short time on this earth. In many cultures, cutting off the hair is an important part of grieving. It is also used as a means of initiation--the hair is shorn prior to entering religious orders, certain jobs, and communities. It definitely feels as though I am initiating myself into a new era of my life. It was definitely time to cut off almost my hair.

Emotional Investment

As a long-time single mom, you would think I would learn some major lessons! The fact is, I have to learn them again and again. For example, when I date, I really date for four; I date for a family. The choices that I have made historically have had an impact on not just me and my personal growth and development but the emotions and psyches of my kids. Yeah...I haven't always done such a great job on this. I've apologized over and over again but, well, I still end up feeling like crap...

Not only do I get emotionally invested (and I am determined to continue to be open, vulnerable and optimistic which really invites that emotional stuff) but so do my kids. Well, sometimes only one or two of them--but they do start to move around and make room if they think I am getting interested in someone. My kids are fantastic and they have really made room again and again for new friends, potential partners, volunteer projects, jobs, and other activities. They seem to take after their mom and approach each new person with optimism and an open-mind. Unfortunately, this means some emotional attachment.

I have known single parents who swore that they wouldn't date until the kids were out of the house or grown up but I'm starting to wonder if that is even a reasonable solution for my scene. It may just be that I need to get really picky about who I invite into the inner circle or that I make a pact to live out the second half of my life solo. The fact that I've really been un-partnered for a big chunk of the first half might be an indication of my karma in this department!

But, what is the alternative? I'm not really willing to give up on wanting to share my fabulous life and my amazing kids; and I'm not really willing to skeptically cut people out before I get to know them. What I do need to do, however, is get a little better at protecting those other tender hearts--I may be a little more risky with my own, but I get the feeling that no matter how old my kids get, I will need to consider their emotional investment too.

It's Not About the "Do" but the "Who"

My kids are all three in a place where they are trying to move out into the world and figure out "what comes next." Despite the lapsed memories of many adults, this is not an easy place to be! Especially in a world that seems precarious, unpredictable and confusing. They are tough kids with lots of daily living skills--I trust them all and know that if I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow, they would be just fine. My confidence in them has nothing to do with what they "do" but it has everything to do with "who" they actually are.

The path they take in terms of school, jobs, and external "stuff" is far less important to me than who they actually are. And, who they are is amazing, emotional, loving, considerate, compassionate, thoughtful and involved. They all have the ability to look beyond the surface of things and tolerate a great deal of complication, ambiguity and confusion and that just dazzles me! They are all committed to trying to be good people and wanting to be engaged with others--all the while facing those uncomfortable realities that come from being human and I think that is so reassuring.

I wish I could protect them from the icky judgment and superficial expectations--especially that heart-breaking lack of acceptance and unconditional love that can come from those who have been closest to them. It sucks. I know it sucks because I have been there myself. It is hard trying to cling to a sense of self and purpose when there are those who try to tell you what you "should" be doing and how conventional you "ought" to be living your life. My kids have never disappointed me and I can see how heartbreaking it is for them when they are told by others that they are disappointments--as if they are obligated to live their lives marching to the drum and expectations of someone else.

We are close, the four of us, and I am most proud of that. I am reassured that they support each other, talk to each other and stand up for each other; I find some comfort in the fact that when one of them is aching, attacked or upset, the other two are there for him or her. This is not to say that they don't fight amongst themselves, but the bond is true and strong when the chips are down. I think they know that it doesn't matter to me what they "do"--my love, acceptance, support and joy in having them in my lives is unconditional. I have confidence that this is a way of living and loving that they will carry with them into adulthood as well. I only wish that the rest of the world could be the same way!

Where are We Now?

While so much seems to be happening all the time, it seems like there are definitely "themes" and cycles that don't seem to change much at all. I am still adjusting to having older kids--trying to figure out when to let go, when to step in, and what to do with myself now that things are changing. My kids are still my kids--of course--but they are also other things to other people--friends, lovers, students, grandchildren, workers, volunteers, exes--all of these very "non-child-like" pieces of identity. When I hear they are having a hard time, whether through choices of their own or not--I want to rush in, rescue them and save the day. I don't want them to be uncomfortable, hungry, hurt, lonely, scared or any of those ordinary life realities we all have to learn to cope with. I don't want to cripple them with overbearing parenting, but I ache when they ache too. I am STILL negotiating around that.

Meanwhile, it is definitely spring--Easter is around the corner and while it is normally my favorite holiday, I am not at all sure what I want to do with it this year. Lucy will be busy with her boyfriend's world, Lilly is in San Diego and it will just be Stuart and I. I suppose we get to decide what we want to do and make it up as we go along just as we always have. I suppose I will be "sending" Easter baskets to at least two of my kids instead of hiding them around the house. It is "play it by ear"--Lucy and I made cookies last week and had an easy, playful time, but that is so far the only Easter-like activity I have done.

As my kids' worlds get bigger, my world gets bigger too. My role as a mom is expanding in some ways while in other ways it is shrinking away. While it is probably quite boring to hear me talk about transitions--I definitely feel like I am still in the midst of it. Not just in my role as a parent, but in other areas of my life where things are blooming, expanding and changing as well. Like many people, I would love to have a crystal ball and be able to look ahead one year or three or five and know that everything is going to turn out lovely; everything is going to be just fine--then I could relax a bit and trust that I am on the right path (as well as those loved ones around me.) I wouldn't be so worried about slipping up, making mistakes and taking the wrong turns in the path. Unfortunately, it all comes down to staying in the game and taking these constant leaps of faith. When in doubt, I allow myself to feel the attachment, the love, the vulnerability that comes from moving through this world with people I care about and then I just have to trust that will be enough to guide me.

So, where are we now? I'm not exactly sure...